Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[javlin]

From a cassette tape making its rounds in Vietnam back in the day:
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MEANS"
Correspondent: Captain, what is your opinion of the F-4C Phantom?
Captain: It's so ****in' maneuverable you can fly up your own ass with it.
PAO: What the Captain means is that he has found the F-4C Phantom highly maneuverable at all altitudes, and he considers it an excellent aircraft for all missions assigned.
Correspondent: I suppose, Captain, that you've flown a certain number of missions over North Vietnam. What do you think of the SAMs used by the North Vietnamese?
Captain: Why, those bastards couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle. We fake the **** out of them. There's no sweat.
PAO: What the Captain means is that the surface-to-air missiles around Hanoi pose a serious problem to our air operations and that the pilots have a healthy respect for them.
Correspondent: I suppose, Captain, that you've flown missions to the South. What kind of ordnance do you use, and what kind of targets do you hit?
Captain: Well, I'll tell you, mostly we aim at kicking the **** out of Vietnamese villages; and my favorite ordnance is napalm. Man, that stuff sucks the air out of their friggin' lungs and makes a sonovabitchin' fire.
PAO: What the Captain means is that air strikes in South Vietnam are often against Viet Cong structures and all operations are always under the positive control of forward air controllers, or FACs. The ordnance employed is conventional 500- and 750-pound bombs and 20-mm cannon fire.
Correspondent: I suppose you spent a R R in Hong Kong. What were your impressions of the Oriental girls?
Captain: Yeah, I went to Hong Kong. As for those Oriental broads, well, I don't care which way the runway runs, east or west, north or south--a piece of ass is a piece of ass.
PAO: What the Captain means is that he found the delicately featured Oriental girls fascinating, and he was very impressed with their fine manners and thinks their naivete is most charming.
Correspondent: Tell me, Captain, have you flown any missions other than over North and South Vietnam?
Captain: You bet your sweet ass I've flown other missions. We get scheduled nearly every day on the trail in Laos where those ****ers over there throw everything at you but the friggin' kitchen sink. Even the goddamn kids got slingshsots.
PAO: What the Captain means is that he has occasionally been scheduled to fly missions in the extreme western DMZ, and he has a healthy respect for the flak in that area.
Correspondent: I understand that no one in your fighter wing has got a MIG yet. What seems to be the problem?
Captain: Why you screwhead, if you knew anything about what you're talking about--the problem is MIGs. If we'd get scheduled by those peckerheads at Seventh for those missions in MIG valley, you can bet your ass we'd get some of those mothers. Those glory hounds at Ubon get all those missions, while we settle for fightin' the friggin' war. Those mothers at Ubon are sitting on their fat asses killing MIGs, and we get stuck with bombing the goddamned cabbage patches.
PAO: What the Captain means is that each element in the Seventh Air Force is responsible for doing its assigned job in the air war. Some units are assigned the job of neutralizing enemy air strength by hunting out MIGs and other elements are assigned bombing missions and interdiction of enemy supply routes.
Correspondent: Of all the targets you've hit in Vietnam, which one was the most satisfying?
Captain: Well, ****, it was when we were scheduled for that suspected VC vegetable garden. I dropped napalm in the middle of the ****in' cabbage, and my wingman splashed it real good with six of those 750-pound mothers and spread the fire all the way to the friggin' beets and carrots.
PAO: What the Captain means is that the great variety of tactical targets available throughout Vietnam makes the F-4C the perfect aircraft to provide flexible response.
Correspondent: What do you consider the most difficult target you've stuck in North Vietnam?
Captain: The friggin' bridges. I must have dropped 40 tons of bombs on those swayin' bamboo mothers, and I ain't hit one of the bastards yet.
PAO: What the Captain means is that interdicting bridges along enemy supply routes is very important and that bridges present quite a difficult target. The best way to accomplish this task is to crater the approaches to the bridge.
Correspondent: I noticed, in touring the base, that you have aluminum matting on the taxiways. Would you care to comment on its effectiveness and usefulness in Vietnam?
Captain: You're ****in' right. I'd like to make a comment. Most of us pilots are well hung, but ****, you don't know what hung is until you get hung up on one of the friggin' bumps on that goddamn stuff.
PAO: What the Captain means is that the aluminum matting is quite satisfactory as a temporary expedient but requires some finesse in taxiing and braking the aircraft.
Correspondent: Did you have an opportunity to meet your wife on leave in Honolulu, and did you enjoy the visit with her?
Captain: Yeah, I met my wife in Honolulu, but I forgot to check the calendar, so the whole five days were friggin' well combat- proof--a completely dry run.
PAO: What the Captain means is that it was wonderful to get together with his wife and learn firsthand about the family and how things were at home.
Correspondent: Thank you for your time, Captain.
Captain: Screw you--why don't you bastards print the real story, instead of all that crap?
PAO: What the Captain means is that he enjoyed this opportunity to discuss his tour with you.
Correspondent: One final question. Could you reduce your impression of the war into a simple phrase or statement, Captain?
Captain: You bet your ass I can. It's a ****** up war.
PAO: What the Captain means is . . . it's a ****** UP WAR.

 

[at6]

 

[gumbyk]

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? "No," she says. The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[javlin]

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a Sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget.."

I think we got Poontang!!

 

[Crimea_River]

 

[at6]

A man is fishing when a young boy walks up and catches a frog. Being a nature lover the man tells the boy,"What ever you do to that frog I'm going to do to you"! The boy looked at the frog and said, "Mr. frog this is your lucky day because I'm going to kiss your a$$".

 

[v2]

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk
helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign
"broomstick one".

And they say the Army has no sense of humor

Submitted by F-16.net

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[at6]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Old Wizard]

A couple in their nineties were having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Wayne Little]

excellent!

 

[Crimea_River]

Air Show Disaster at West ZWICK'S ISLAND PARK , BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO , CANADA.

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS
This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

No one was killed, but it probably scared the sh!t out of them.

 

[at6]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]