Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the
dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with
cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
 
Alan and Lorraine lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

Alan asked Lorraine if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Lorraine, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Lorraine, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

 
All you golfers will enjoy this one....Cheers and " keep it in the short grass"...

The polite way to Call Someone a Bastard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They
were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen
holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to
pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish
Priest.






The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair
and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother
and father along, I'll marry them."
 
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