Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)

[michaelmaltby]

• The IRS suspected a Massachusetts fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhands and sent an agent to investigate him.
  
  IRS AUDITOR: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
  
  BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here, makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers each week to take the edge off of work, and he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
  
  IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
  
  BOAT OWNER: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
  
  
  
  
  
  

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[Old Wizard]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[michaelmaltby]

A VERY BIG NUMBER

If I give you $1 billion and you stand on a street corner handing out $1 per
second, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, you would still not have
handed out $1 billion after 31 years!!

This is too true to be funny.....

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual
manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax
money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency
d d a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its
releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion Dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate
our government is spending it.

Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing Licence Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
G.S.T.
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Vehicle License / Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Carbon Dioxide Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago.

We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world.
Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
Dad and teachers were allowed to discipline kids.
A criminal's life was uncomfortable.

What the h!!! Happened?

'Political Correctness', 'Politicians or both?'

 

[Wurger]

If a man says he can repair that, he will mend that. And there is no need to remind him of that semiannually.

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[michaelmaltby]

A Canadian female politician wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government,complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) beingheld in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.

She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern oftreatment of the Taliban and AlQaeda terrorists captured by CanadianForces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government andare currently being held by Afghan officials inAfghanistan NationalCorrectional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions wereheard loud and clear here in Ottawa .. You will be pleased to learn, thanksto the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new departmenthere at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals AcceptResponsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this newprogram, we have decided, on atrial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes ofconcerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under thosecitizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and isscheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared forpursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter ofcomplaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weeklyinspections to ensure that your standards of care forAhmed are commensuratewith your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that yoursensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help himovercome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing theseproblems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offercounseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hiresome assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your houseguest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you canreason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosivedevices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those itemslocked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adoptedterrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguishhuman life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advisethat you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home orwherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in ourcountry.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually,since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights,including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitivesubject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women whofail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as moreappropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offeredby the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of respecting hisculture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have acounselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like youkeep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellowman. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Minister of National Defence

 

[Old Wizard]

 

[vikingBerserker]

I so want that to be true!

 

[Wayne Little]

I think I would second that opinion..

 

[Valdez]

Many years ago, a young woman, with a baby boy in her arms, entered a butcher's shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? After much haggling, the butcher offered to provide the young girl with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

 

[Wurger]

 

[Old Wizard]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[michaelmaltby]

Aging

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".... I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Old Wizard]