Quotes and Jokes (11 Viewers)

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I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
And thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement.
A car full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans stopped next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
 
Joe visits his long-time dentist Rick to get some dentures fitted. After putting them in, Joe tells him they don't feel quite right. Rick says, "Leave them in for a while. You should get used to them."

So Joe leaves the office reluctantly rubbing his jaws and returns a week later with the same complaint. Again, Rick responds, "I think you should leave them in a little longer. You should get used to them". Joe leaves and this goes on two more times.

A couple of weeks go by and Rick hasn't seen Joe so thinks all is good until one day he receives a box in the mail containing Joe's dentures. Inside is a note from Joe:

"Dear Rick,

Please find enclosed the dentures you gave me several weeks ago. Please shove them up your a$$. Leave them in there for a while. You should get used to them.

Sincerely,

Joe"
 
My father who at the time had recently retired from the Connecticut State Police, called me one day and asked if I would take him to the hospital. Now you have to understand my father despises the medical profession almost as much as the legal profession. He makes statements like "If a bug bites me the bug dies." and "They call a Doctors patients patient for a reason, and their overall office is called a practice for a reason, and I don't have an excess of patience nor do I wish them to practice on me."

So I knew it must be serious if he was asking to be taken to the hospital. Turned out it was, apparently not an uncommon issue for his age is there is a valve in the testes that allows fluid in, and another that allows fluid out to warm or cool them as needed. In his case the valve that let fluid out was not working and his balls were painfully large and inflamed. While uncomfortable with being in the exam room my father had asked me to stay.

In marched a fairly young looking Doctor, probably an resident or intern, who after having a look said well we can certainly help, this should not hurt much, I don't think we even need a local anesthetic. My father rumbled at the Doctor "I know". The way he said it made both of us look at him questioningly. He just said if you hurt me I will hurt you. The Doctor decided that maybe an anesthetic was called for after all!
 
Robert Porter said:
Too true! When I hear folks say "oh the government pays for it why should I care", I find myself having homicidal thoughts!
Click to expand...


Well, if the government is actually paying for something at least that money is not going right into a politicians pocket

Although sometimes you have to wonder. State of Connecticut got 34 of these things from the Fed Government.

Don't know how many others were spread around the country. A combination mass decon shower unit and communications command post (folding antenna mast on top). Think about it for a moment.................Shower unit that can handle hundreds of people per hour combined with multiple pieces of radio equipment (separated by a hanging plastic sheet honestly!)
They were built in Texas during the Bush administration so I always wondered?????
 
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