RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter v2
- Start date
Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules
Brilliant...
Hey Roman!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
*LOL* Good one, Spit!
A couple of good mates, a Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie "If I was to sneak over to your
house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie "If I was to sneak over to your
house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
- Thread starter
- #988
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Good ones 
Velius
Airman 1st Class
Rules of Flying
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
(Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
(Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")
When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
(Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)
The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
(Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
(Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
(Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")
When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
(Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)
The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
(Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Excellent, Velius!!!!!!!!!!
Good one...
Konigstiger205
Staff Sergeant
Great stuff guys
- Thread starter
- #996
PAY RAISE
A Mexican house maid asked her American employer for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh. "
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that?" Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE RAISE
A Mexican house maid asked her American employer for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh. "
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that?" Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE RAISE
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
*****ROTFLMBO!!!*****
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, 'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life!' He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy . . . My balls itch!'
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, 'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life!' He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy . . . My balls itch!'
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Now those are freakin funny!!!!!!!
