Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Subject: : And then the fight started.....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....
and then the fight started....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her
the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She s aid, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....
and then the fight started....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her
the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She s aid, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....
ScOoTeR1992
Senior Airman
roflmao I love these jokes guys when I find some good ones I'll post 'em
ScOoTeR1992
Senior Airman
----------------------------Blonde Jokes--------------------------------
i knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate.'
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
she studied for a blood test.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,she moved.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around and went home
i knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate.'
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
she studied for a blood test.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,she moved.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around and went home
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
- Thread starter
- #1,288
Steve stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Steve explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting that b***** from here!"
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Steve explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting that b***** from here!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
President Bill Clinton was sitting in the stands on opening day of the baseball season, waiting for the first game to start. His social advisor leaned over and whispered in his ear. Bill's eyes went a little blank, then he nodded, reached over, and shoved Hillary over the railing onto the field! Secret Service agents hurried (slowly) down to help her back up, as the advisor whispered in his ear again. No sooner had Hillary gotten back into the Presidential box, when Bill stood up, picked her up, and tossed her over again! By this time, he's got the attention of the entire crowd, and the advisor is a dangerous shade of red. The advisor whispers (loudly) in his ear again, as everyone strains to hear what he's saying over the open mic. As the Secret Service carries Hillary back into the box, Bill grabs her from them, and tosses her as hard as he can back over the railing. The advisor, having had enough, stands up, grabs Bill by the shoulders, and, shaking him, screams "You idiot, I said 'throw out the first PITCH!!!!"
JugBR
Staff Sergeant
- Thread starter
- #1,294
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale', he said.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale', he said.
Cota1992
Senior Airman
Cows, Cows, Cows...
The only cow in a small eastern Ohio town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Pennsylvania for $200. They brought the cow from Pennsylvania and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.
"
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Pennsylvania?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Pennsylvania?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Pennsylvania.
"
The only cow in a small eastern Ohio town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Pennsylvania for $200. They brought the cow from Pennsylvania and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.
"
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Pennsylvania?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Pennsylvania?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Pennsylvania.
"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
More cows...
A dairy farmer, after looking over his books, decided it was time to expand his herd, but the only bull he owned was old and many years past his stud-service. So, searching the Internet, he found a bull breeder in another state that advertised "the best bulls ever", and had many pages of glowing customer feedback to back him up. So, the farmer called the breeder, purchased the bull, and arranged to have him shipped to his farm.
The bull arrived and was immediately put into the same pasture as all of the cows. Yet nothing happened! The farmer, angered at the response from the bull, called the breeder.
"Give the poor bull a week. He's probably still suffering from jet-lag. If that doesn't help, let me know, and I'll express-ship some stuff you can give the feller. My pappy swore by it, and it hasn't let me down yet."
The farmer agreed, waited a week, and sure enough, no action from the bull. So he called the breeder back, who shipped him the promised bottle of medicine.
Several months later, after helping deliver the 73rd calf, the local vet asked about the new bull.
"Oh, he's doin fine!", the farmer exclaimed. "I was kinda worried at first, almost thought he was gay, but that breeder mailed me some stuff that fixed him right up! Put a teaspoon of that stuff in his food, and next thing I know he'd done made two rounds around the whole herd...before lunch!"
"Really?!?" the vet exclaimed. "What was it? I can recommend that for some of my other patients!"
"Well, I really dunno what it was, bein all scientifically named and all.....but it tasted like strawberries."
A dairy farmer, after looking over his books, decided it was time to expand his herd, but the only bull he owned was old and many years past his stud-service. So, searching the Internet, he found a bull breeder in another state that advertised "the best bulls ever", and had many pages of glowing customer feedback to back him up. So, the farmer called the breeder, purchased the bull, and arranged to have him shipped to his farm.
The bull arrived and was immediately put into the same pasture as all of the cows. Yet nothing happened! The farmer, angered at the response from the bull, called the breeder.
"Give the poor bull a week. He's probably still suffering from jet-lag. If that doesn't help, let me know, and I'll express-ship some stuff you can give the feller. My pappy swore by it, and it hasn't let me down yet."
The farmer agreed, waited a week, and sure enough, no action from the bull. So he called the breeder back, who shipped him the promised bottle of medicine.
Several months later, after helping deliver the 73rd calf, the local vet asked about the new bull.
"Oh, he's doin fine!", the farmer exclaimed. "I was kinda worried at first, almost thought he was gay, but that breeder mailed me some stuff that fixed him right up! Put a teaspoon of that stuff in his food, and next thing I know he'd done made two rounds around the whole herd...before lunch!"
"Really?!?" the vet exclaimed. "What was it? I can recommend that for some of my other patients!"
"Well, I really dunno what it was, bein all scientifically named and all.....but it tasted like strawberries."
Thorlifter
Captain
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
There's an old bull with his son, standing at the top of the meadow, looking down on a herd of cows. The son-bull turns to his dad and says "Cor! Look at all those cows. Let's run down and take a couple!"
The old bull, a wise old thing getting on in years, turns to his son and replies "No lad, let's walk down and have them all!"
The old bull, a wise old thing getting on in years, turns to his son and replies "No lad, let's walk down and have them all!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
