Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

[evangilder]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

"The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[v2]

 

[Airframes]

Think I've just wet myself!
So, there's three vampire bats, sitting on a tree one morning. One bat has blood all around its mouth, one has blood all over its face, and the third bat is totally covered in blood.
Two of the bats turn to the first bat and ask "What did you get up to last night?"
The bat replies, knowing that his species are poor sighted "See that field over there to the left, just past that wall?"
The bats strain to see in the early morning light, then eventually reply;
"Yeah, just about know where you mean."
"Well," says bat one, " I flew over there, and found a flock of sheep. Got the biggest one I could find, and drank all its blood."
"Nice one!" bat two remarks.
"How about you?" asks bat one, looking at all the blood around his friends face.
"Ah! Well," came the reply, "just to the right there, about half a mile past that wood, there's a huge meadow. See it?"
The other two bats strain to see, then nod in reply.
"Well, I flew over there", continues the bloody-faced bat, "and found a herd of cows. Got the biggest one, and drank all its blood."
Bat one is impressed, then turns to the third bat, amazed that he is covered in so much blood.
"What the hell did YOU do last night?" He asks of the third bat.
"Can you see that church steeple, just past those trees in the centre there, about a mile away?"
The other two bats, having really strained to see the point indicated, eventually reply in unison.
"Ah, yes, can just about see it."
Final bat replies, "Well I f*****g didn't!"

 

[RabidAlien]

*****ROTFLMBO!!!***** Good one, Airframes!




Next:

WHAT IS A CAT?
(According to a man)

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats.

WHAT IS A DOG?
(According to a woman)

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

CONCLUSION: They are little men in fur coats

 

[Airframes]

I like it!

 

[v2]

A blonde, June, goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down in between your legs, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store. So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONLY ONE.. MORE... TIME!

 

[ScOoTeR1992]

lmbo mate freakin hilarious

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[rochie]

during the battle for france 1940 a french army is marching along a road, they see a german soldier atop a hill taunting them "you six men go sort him out" order's a general.
off they go over the never to return, but the german does "A company go get him" order's the general, off they go, never seen again.
the german appears once more, the general orders his whole army up the hill to attack the german soldier, after 3 hours a lone beat up french private staggers back over the hill, salutes the general and say's "mon general it was a trap there was two of them"

 

[Wurger]

 

[Wayne Little]

HOW TO BATHE A CAT


1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so the cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.


Sincerely,
The Dog

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Airframes]

Brilliant!!!

 

[Messy1]

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in
'Like' With her.

But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance
clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his
newfound lady friend.

'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem,
you'd better say so now!'

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with
each other, here goes ... you need to know that I'm a hooker.'

'I see,' Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a
moment, deep in thought...



Then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your
wrists straight when you tee off.

 

[RabidAlien]

To help you better understand the financial crisis in which our
>> country finds itself, I have attempted to put it in terms common
people,
>> like you and me, can easily understand.....
>>
>> If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one
>> year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000
worth
>> of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had
>> purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
>> would have $0.00 today.
>>
>> But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank
>> all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund,
>> you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current
>> investment plan is to drink heavily recycle. It is called the
401-Keg.
>> A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
>> year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons
>> of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41
>> miles to the gallon!
>>
>> Makes you proud to be an American!

 

[Catch22]

Hahaha, very nice!

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[v2]

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE…

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

 

[Thorlifter]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
She approached him, 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- Cars and Men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He replied, 'B.J. Titsenbeer'