Negative Creep
Staff Sergeant
Made me chuckle in a thread about Area 51
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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That's great NC!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Vassili Zaitzev
Master Sergeant
Here's one I heard a few years back, when I was in baseball.
A traveler, let's call him Bob, walks to a house, hoping to stay for the night. The owner is a elderly chinese gentlemen, and his beautiful daughter. The Chinese man let's Bob stay for the night, but warns him not to fool around with his daughter, or else he'll suffer the, "Three ancient Chinese tortures."
Well, try as he might, Bob can't stop fantasizing about the daughter. So, after dinner, he goes up to the daughters room; and to his suprise and delight, they both have sex. Bob retires for the night, feeling confident he fooled the old man.
The next morning, Bob wakes up noticing a large rock on the floor, with a note attached. Going closer, Bob reads the note. "Chinese torture number one, rock tied to bedpost". Grumbling, Bob picks the rock up and throws it out an open window. No sooner had he thrown the rock, Bob sees a note stuck to a nearby tree, "Chinese torture number two, right testicle tied to rock." Panicking, Bob jumps out of the window, reasoning that breaking his legs is better then losing a nut. On the way down though, he sees another sign.
"Chinese torture number three, left testicle tied to bedpost."
A traveler, let's call him Bob, walks to a house, hoping to stay for the night. The owner is a elderly chinese gentlemen, and his beautiful daughter. The Chinese man let's Bob stay for the night, but warns him not to fool around with his daughter, or else he'll suffer the, "Three ancient Chinese tortures."
Well, try as he might, Bob can't stop fantasizing about the daughter. So, after dinner, he goes up to the daughters room; and to his suprise and delight, they both have sex. Bob retires for the night, feeling confident he fooled the old man.
The next morning, Bob wakes up noticing a large rock on the floor, with a note attached. Going closer, Bob reads the note. "Chinese torture number one, rock tied to bedpost". Grumbling, Bob picks the rock up and throws it out an open window. No sooner had he thrown the rock, Bob sees a note stuck to a nearby tree, "Chinese torture number two, right testicle tied to rock." Panicking, Bob jumps out of the window, reasoning that breaking his legs is better then losing a nut. On the way down though, he sees another sign.
"Chinese torture number three, left testicle tied to bedpost."
Cota1992
Senior Airman
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant forlunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumedtheir trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses onthe table, and she didn't m iss them until they had been driving about fortyminutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite adistance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to returnto the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. Hefussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entirereturn drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He justwouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at therestaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieveher glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, *'While you're in there, youmight as well get my hat and the credit card.'
Emon_Essex
Airman 1st Class
Amusing if not a day late...
Ten Tips for the Trekkie Voter on Election Day
With Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Next Generation,
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager and even that crappy
Enterprise show on DVD, Trek fans don't have much time to venture
into, much less pay attention to, the outside world. With that in
mind, here is a list of things for Trekkies to remember when they don
their Spock ears and head out to participate in the democracy ritual
on Election Day:
* Federation club "rank" will not get you any special treatment at
the polling place.
* You may not sign in with the registrar in Klingon.
* Comparing Barack Obama to Mr. Tuvok makes you an intergalactic
racist.
* Do not ask the voting official to make the "swoosh" sound when you
enter the booth.
* The chances of being split in two due to a "voting booth accident"
are extremely slim.
* Scott Bakula is not a good write-in for any spot on any ticket.
* Joe Biden is running for Vice President, not "Number One."
* Sarah Palin is the Borg Queen.
* You cannot vote to allow Vulcans to mate more often.
* Do not say "Make it so!" out loud when you're done voting
Ten Tips for the Trekkie Voter on Election Day
With Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Next Generation,
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager and even that crappy
Enterprise show on DVD, Trek fans don't have much time to venture
into, much less pay attention to, the outside world. With that in
mind, here is a list of things for Trekkies to remember when they don
their Spock ears and head out to participate in the democracy ritual
on Election Day:
* Federation club "rank" will not get you any special treatment at
the polling place.
* You may not sign in with the registrar in Klingon.
* Comparing Barack Obama to Mr. Tuvok makes you an intergalactic
racist.
* Do not ask the voting official to make the "swoosh" sound when you
enter the booth.
* The chances of being split in two due to a "voting booth accident"
are extremely slim.
* Scott Bakula is not a good write-in for any spot on any ticket.
* Joe Biden is running for Vice President, not "Number One."
* Sarah Palin is the Borg Queen.
* You cannot vote to allow Vulcans to mate more often.
* Do not say "Make it so!" out loud when you're done voting
Two married buddies are out at the local hobby shop one evening when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home late at night after I've bought a new model kit, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I hide the new model kit in the garage, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for buying a new model kit!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, put the new model kit on my workbench, storm up the steps with the new kit in hand, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, put the new model kit on my workbench, storm up the steps with the new kit in hand, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Very appropriate for this site, methinks!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
For all you musical types out there:
Vassili Zaitzev
Master Sergeant
Lol, didn't know there were that many Rabid.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Denver and tell her."
Frantic, the son call his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced 'she shouts, "I'll take care of this"
She calls Jacksonville immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Denver and tell her."
Frantic, the son call his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced 'she shouts, "I'll take care of this"
She calls Jacksonville immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.
Emon_Essex
Airman 1st Class
Oh my gosh, that is hilarious!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
I haven't checked Snopes, but this is hilarious nonetheless:
English Signs from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF YOUR UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS...
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
English Signs from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF YOUR UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS...
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Some great chuckles there, RA!
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Cota1992
Senior Airman
Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies,
"Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too,
but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head
out to Mable's for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some
time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door.
"Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then
bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. "Where have you been?"
"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked
the third one!
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies,
"Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too,
but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head
out to Mable's for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some
time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door.
"Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then
bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. "Where have you been?"
"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked
the third one!
109ROAMING
2nd Lieutenant
Great stories guys
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
