Nice Cota!
Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
THANKSGIVING IN THE UK
A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.
"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when you chaps left."
A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.
"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when you chaps left."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck .
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck .
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Nice chuckle selection there, cheered me up so early in the morning!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
This hasn't been verified (or not) on Snopes yet, so I'll post it here. Either way (true or false), its funny as heck!
Don't know about this but too good not to pass along.
According to a Marine Pilot:
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility,
all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air
Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting
Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them
your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
It's too
good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in
Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up,
I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Don't know about this but too good not to pass along.
According to a Marine Pilot:
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility,
all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air
Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting
Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them
your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
It's too
good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in
Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up,
I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
i so hope thats a true story
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Far as I know, it is true! I got the same from my friend Bob, the ex-Mosquito pilot in Iowa. He got it from a friend who knew the pilot concerned, I believe!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said
Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history
than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General
Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson
to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted...
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh crud, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people,
November 4th, 2008"
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said
Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history
than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General
Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson
to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted...
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh crud, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people,
November 4th, 2008"
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Thats freakin hilarious!!!!!!!!!
- Thread starter
- #1,374
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father,
'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,'
he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father,
'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,'
he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted.. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised a round the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region..
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted.. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised a round the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region..
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
For My Democrat Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever come s first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
For My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever come s first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
For My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Two goods ones, Gary and RA!
Nice Guys...
I hit a Hare (wild, long eared version of a rabbit) this morning with my truck....didnt kill it outright cos it was thrashing around in the road. Well, me being soft hearted, couldnt drive off and let it get flattened by someone else so I stopped, got out and looked for a suitable heavy rock or something to put it out of its misery.
Now, being a responsible type of driver I'd pulled over to the side of the road, so was a bit miffed when this guy pulls up behind my Nissan beeping his horn !!!.
Out he gets and comes straight towards me asking what I was doing (bl**dy obvious what I was about to do really !). He then proceeds to tell me to leave the Hare alone, that he's a vet on the way home from his practice and that he'd look after it !!!!!. Fair enough says I, and he then goes to the back of his car and gets his vets bag (or whatever else they call it ?) and goes over to Hare....which is still convulsing and thrashing about, making horrible noises....and starts to examine it. He then got a big spray can of something and proceeded to spray the poor Hare all over....which was having a real bad day having been by hit by my truck and now some looney is spraying his fur all over.
I kid you not, not quite 10 seconds later, this Hare....which was in a bit of a mess...stopped convulsing, sat up, looked around for a few seconds then legged it across the road and into the long grass !!!
I was gobsmacked and asked this supposed vet what he'd just used.....
"Hare restorer" !!!
Now, being a responsible type of driver I'd pulled over to the side of the road, so was a bit miffed when this guy pulls up behind my Nissan beeping his horn !!!.
Out he gets and comes straight towards me asking what I was doing (bl**dy obvious what I was about to do really !). He then proceeds to tell me to leave the Hare alone, that he's a vet on the way home from his practice and that he'd look after it !!!!!. Fair enough says I, and he then goes to the back of his car and gets his vets bag (or whatever else they call it ?) and goes over to Hare....which is still convulsing and thrashing about, making horrible noises....and starts to examine it. He then got a big spray can of something and proceeded to spray the poor Hare all over....which was having a real bad day having been by hit by my truck and now some looney is spraying his fur all over.
I kid you not, not quite 10 seconds later, this Hare....which was in a bit of a mess...stopped convulsing, sat up, looked around for a few seconds then legged it across the road and into the long grass !!!
I was gobsmacked and asked this supposed vet what he'd just used.....
"Hare restorer" !!!
