Quotes and Jokes (6 Viewers)

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against animal are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking..

2 .. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

And to think, they're allowed to breed.....and vote....

And that, RA, represents prime candidates for the Darwin Award.

Heh. I was thinking "key Cabinet positions", but the Darwins'll do, too.

Oh okay, speaker of the house right? Heh.

...

Each Friday night after work, Bourdreaux would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a Venison steak. But, all of his neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled Venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Bourdreaux, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bourdreaux attended Mass, and as the Priest sprinkled Holy water over him, he said "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bourdreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled Venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bourdreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bourdreaux, clutching a small bottle of Holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted. "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

Nice one RA. Hey Lucky, couldn't stop laughing about the Wal-Mart joke.
Anyway, got this from my grandpa, hope its funny.

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following:

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3.. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean. "

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10 You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

I got that one too, funny.

Yeah that is a good one

Hadn't seen that one before!!!

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?", asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus", says the Paki.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

Charles