Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[Geedee]

ORDERING A PIZZA IN 2015

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Dang . What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure
you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while
you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be
a little awkward."
Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd
be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of
Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics."

 

[Geedee]

A Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local
liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in
attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said: "Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something
bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was: "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said," You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time that you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955, ma'am"
She said, "Well, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything
so
seriously! No sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

I love your avatar Gary!

 

[RabidAlien]

Yer punchline cut off, GD. *g* Last time I heard that one, she took him to bed, complimented him on his prowess, and said something like "you're pretty good for not having anythign since 1955!" Then he looked at his watch...

 

[Wayne Little]

For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-sh%t.

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Njaco]

An Irish man went to confession in St Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Vassili Zaitzev]

 

[Wayne Little]

The Letter:


Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on








The Reply:



Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

 

[sturmer]

that a great one wayne

 

[RabidAlien]

You go, Dad!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

This may have already been posted once, if so oops, if not, cool.

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:



The exchange between Churchill Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."



A Member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."



"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -

Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow



"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).



"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

- Moses Hadas



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -

Oscar Wilde



"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."

- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

-

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

- Winston Churchill, in response.



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -

Stephen Bishop



"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

- John Bright



"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -

Irvin S. Cobb



"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson



"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating



"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -

Charles, Count Talleyrand



"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

- Forrest Tucker



"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

- Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -

Oscar Wilde



"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)



"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

- Billy Wilder



"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -

Groucho Marx

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Geedee]

Gut in hospital with 60% burns. Doc tells the nurse to give him two Viagra tablets. "Is that wise in his condition ?" she asks.
"yes! says the doc, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs !".


Paddy says to his mate....I've been taking steroids and I've grown a second d!ck.
"Anabolic ?" his mate asks
"No" says paddy, just a d!ck

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[RabidAlien]