Quotes and Jokes

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Saw this on another forum, and couldn't resist....

The seven dwarves visit the pope at the vatican and Dopey rings the doorbell.
The pope answers the door and asks "Dopey, my son, what can I do for you ?"
Dopey, with a very serious voice asks, "excuse me your excellancy, but are there many dwarf nuns in Rome ?"
The pope smiles and answers, "no Dopey, there are NO dwarf nuns in Rome."
The other dwarfs srart giggling.
Dopey then asks, "your holiness, are there many dwarf nuns in Italy ?"
The pope looks at Dopey and answers "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Italy."
The other dwarfs star laughing loudly.
Dopey continues, "please Mr. pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ?"
The pope, a tad frustrated by now, says, Dopey, there are NO DWARF NUNS ANYWHERE ! why do you ask ?"
The other dwarves are rolling about on the ground in stitches, tears streaming from there eyes and chanting....Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin....
 
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"
 
"However, most servicemen could not wait to muster out and become civilians once again. Many of these 19-, 20- and 21-year old 'kids' had children of their own which they had not yet seen. If it had not been for these so called 'kids', however, who had fought like men, and their much 22-, 23- and 24- year old battle hardened peers, the world we know today might very well have been a very different place"

 
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."





today'sTHOT============================

The first restaurant on the moon will never do very well. It might have great food, but no atmosphere.
 
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports

required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it

would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire

for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish,

a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I

wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel

inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,

why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can

make a woman truly happy."







The Lord replied,



.

.

.

.





"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 
Top 10 Reasons a Handgun is Better than a Woman:

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
 
"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my goodness!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??"
 
Little Children made safe



After her untimely death, Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates.



St Peter greeted her, saying: "Since you brought so much happiness with your acting during your time on earth, I will grant you one wish for the world you leave behind".



Without a hesitation she answered: "I just want all the little children to be safe"



Poof!



Michael Jackson suddenly appeared behind her.
 
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