mikewint
Captain
RA, boy oh boy is that last one TRUE, can't wait to get out of this state
Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
RA, boy oh boy is that last one TRUE, can't wait to get out of this state
Heh....don't come here. I can't wait to get out of this state, either.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO, Nice RA!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
I used to want to get out of Virginia when I was growing up,.........wait,....I'm still growing up, at least I think I am. Anyway, I spent a few years in several other states and found out it's no better anywhere else so I came back.
Ah, fellow coffee drinkers!
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejesus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened? asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" the doctor asked. "Do you mean sex with your husband wasn't good?"
"Oh no, no, doctor. The sex was fine indeed. T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejesus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened? asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" the doctor asked. "Do you mean sex with your husband wasn't good?"
"Oh no, no, doctor. The sex was fine indeed. T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
mikewint
Captain
Heard a slightly different version but still funny.
RA, actually kinda like Texas, name a type of climate and you can find it somewhere in Texas. Actually looking at Arkansas along the big northern lake Bull Shoals
ABW, well you don't have our Gov, doubled the state income tax, is working on a bill to require all residents to carry state health insurance, and another bill to legislate what kind and types of food can be sold in the state
RA, actually kinda like Texas, name a type of climate and you can find it somewhere in Texas. Actually looking at Arkansas along the big northern lake Bull Shoals
ABW, well you don't have our Gov, doubled the state income tax, is working on a bill to require all residents to carry state health insurance, and another bill to legislate what kind and types of food can be sold in the state
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
mikewint
Captain
A boy came home from school one day and said to his mom, "Guess what happened to me in school today. I had sex with my teacher!"
His mom became very upset and screamed, "Go to you room! We'll tell your father what you did when he gets home."
When the father came home, the boy told him. "Way to go son," the father replied. "let's go buy you a new bicycle."
When they came out of the shop with a brand-new bike, the father asked, "Do you want to ride it home?"
"No," the boy replied. "My ass still hurts."
His mom became very upset and screamed, "Go to you room! We'll tell your father what you did when he gets home."
When the father came home, the boy told him. "Way to go son," the father replied. "let's go buy you a new bicycle."
When they came out of the shop with a brand-new bike, the father asked, "Do you want to ride it home?"
"No," the boy replied. "My ass still hurts."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Wrong.....sooooo wrong!
That's awful
mikewint
Captain
You guys are hard to please:
A young couple is in bed when the man begins to feel frisky.
He turns to his wife and begins rubbing her arm. "How about some loving?" He asks
"Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning and I want to stay fresh." she replies.
The man turns over and thinks a bit, then turns back and asks:
"Well in that case, do you have a dental appointment tomorrow too?
Better?
A young couple is in bed when the man begins to feel frisky.
He turns to his wife and begins rubbing her arm. "How about some loving?" He asks
"Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning and I want to stay fresh." she replies.
The man turns over and thinks a bit, then turns back and asks:
"Well in that case, do you have a dental appointment tomorrow too?
Better?
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Nice! 
...
A little better
mikewint
Captain
OK, I found the spot:
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Dang....where's my wallet....!!!
mikewint
Captain
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
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