something i have been dreading :sad: (1 Viewer)

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rochie

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need to get this off my chest as i have been carrying it around for a couple of days !
bit of history first

some of you guys know i had a slightly troubled childhood, my parents spilt when i was 7, my brother and i went to live with my dad and his new girlfriend, mam was an alcoholic and it killed her 7 years later, i was 14, i had to search for where she was burried years later as we were never told.

my dads new girlfriend had her own child 2 years younger than me from her first marriage and after a long and bitter battle my dad won permanent custody of my brother and i.

life was not that good at our new home with my new parents.
we were placed in a home for abused kids soon after my dad and his girlfriend married so they could go on honeymoon with out us 3 kids, i distinctly remember the staff breaking up tablets and mixing it with our food each day i was almost 9.

dad lost interest in us kids and threw himself into army life as if we were not there, my new mother claimed social security saying my dad had left, he hadnt !

my maternal grandmother told the authorities and they had to pay back 1000's of pounds, this was 1980, we were dirt poor i wore my cousins clothes to school, she was a girl :shock: and we lived on british army 10 man compo rations my dad stole from the stores where he was SQMS for about a year.

fast forward a few years i got part time jobs while still at school the money was confiscated for safe keeping, never saw it again.

they took half my wages when i found my first job, (a rugby accident stopped me following grandad and dad into the para's at 16) this was to pay for board and lodge.

i had 3 brothers i am the oldest by 2 years and each has a 2 year gap, two of them were career criminals, drug dealing burglary and car theft etc., parents were always bailing them out and ignored me and my original brother

left home after joining the army for a short while after my knees healed to prove to dad i was tough enough to be a para, i hated it on day one (my dad was RSM) and the recruit cadre corporal delighted in trying to get me to quit before passing out, i didnt :lol:

dad was furious when i quit and left me in Aldershot with no money to get home as he drove back home to the north east where we are from.

anyway years later the girl i was engaged to left me when i was made redundant from work kicked me out of our house with my dog, the VCR and a small tv :lol:

reluctantly i went home to my parents until i found another job, sleeping in my brothers room on an army camp bed my brother soon moved out and they dismantled his bed so i could not sleep on it.

my youngest brother (step mam and dads kid) faked a burglary in our house and stole my stuff to buy drugs.

my parents then faked another burglary to cover him, so i couldn't call the police for insurance purposes as i was soon moving out and needed my stuff for my new pad !

they then claimed around £6000 from the insurance bunged me £200 and told me that's all i was entitled too.

i had met the girl who became my wife around this time and she moved in with me after 6 weeks ( we are still married 25 years later) we slowly made a home and i never went back to my parents again.

i have seen them a few times but we do not speak, they were not invited to our wedding, they have not met my 21 year old daughter.

now here's the issue i have been dreading as we all got older.

the one remaining brother out of 3 i speak to has told me dad now has pancreatic cancer and is dying, i felt absolutely nothing !
my daughter is not bothered, my wife thinks we are awful.

my brother came to my house the following day with the message "dad says the past is in the past, if i want to go and see him ?"
no i fucking dont.

if he wants to make peace with me then he needs to man up and ask himself and i will gladly go and listen to what he has to say !

wife wants me to be the better man and go for some closure but i dont need closure, i like the very few relatives i speak to and dont intend going if he wont ask.

sorry for the rant but needed to get it out.
 
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Touch choice Karl. I missed the chance to be with both my parents during their final hours. I don't regret it as I don't take dying very well and would rather remember them as when they were well. I don't put stock in what others think, family or not
 
No real choice Geo, i haven't spoke to the guy for 25 years, he knows nothing about me anymore and i know very little about him.

I am more worried about upsetting my brother who will take it pretty hard if he does die.

I cannot pretend to care when i just don't
 
Tough choice Karl. Can see both sides however it isn't likely to be long with pancreatic cancer and not fun either. It could be a case of 2 stubborn people and neither gives it up. It could be that you will appreciate it if you go then again maybe not. At the end of the day you have to think about it and do what you feel is best for you and yours.
 
I don't know what to say Karl. I consider myself pretty lucky in life and had no such trials in my past so have no way of speaking from experience.

I live by a "no regrets" philosophy. If you can picture yourself 2 years from now and can convince yourself that things will be fine with your wife, brother, and, most importantly, yourself if you didn't see your dad in his final days then great.
 
I don't know what to say Karl. I consider myself pretty lucky in life and had no such trials in my past so have no way of speaking from experience.

I live by a "no regrets" philosophy. If you can picture yourself 2 years from now and can convince yourself that things will be fine with your wife, brother, and, most importantly, yourself if you didn't see your dad in his final days then great.
Andy.

although i had it a bit rough at times, i could tell more stories :lol:
There were kids who had it much tougher than me and i feel fortunate not to carry any scars both mental and physical and my life has made me a better parent to April.

I have no ill will towards my parents, in fact i feel nothing at all for them and just feel better off without them in my life.
It is them that has missed out not knowing their granddaughter, she has not missed out knowing them.

My in laws have been better parents to me over the years and i love them dearly, but dont tell them that :lol:

I just plan on being there for my brother and will see what happens
 
Tough choice Karl. Can see both sides however it isn't likely to be long with pancreatic cancer and not fun either. It could be a case of 2 stubborn people and neither gives it up. It could be that you will appreciate it if you go then again maybe not. At the end of the day you have to think about it and do what you feel is best for you and yours.
Thanks Hugh,my wife said pancreatic cancer is usually hard to diagnose and is normally advanced when found
 
Go to see him for your brothers sake. I hated my father and would have danced on his grave given the chance but I supported my mother because he was gone and my mother was still living, and despite what he was she loved him and he was her husband. With pancreatic cancer you don't have long.
 
Sh*t Karl, sorry to hear all this.
It's a tough call, and I can't advise, but from what i know of you, and what you have said in this thread, it's probable that your attitude and approach to the problem is the right one.
It's been a long time since there was any 'family' support, on either side, and it may be that the others in the family need to do what you have done over the years, and get on with life, for the sake of those who really matter.
It may hurt your brother, but you have borne this problem for many years, and maybe he needs to stand up to, and face, what's inevitable.
You have responsibilities to your family, and a career to maintain in order to carry out those responsibilities, which should come first before people's feelings which, eventually, will fade anyway.
Try to keep grinning - "Utrinque Paratus" - but if I'm out of line, then tell me to **** off !
 
Well Karl, firstly, thanks for sharing. You're a tough guy to have been through all that and to stand up in front of all of us and share it. Thank you.

I'm with Andy on this one, and ultimately its about how it affects you, not your brother. Or anyone else. You got put through hell unnecessarily; ask yourself if you owe him anything? Yes, it may sound self-serving, but you have to be true to yourself.

When my father died, I felt a sense of enormous relief and although I saw him just before he died, I didn't tell him I was still angry at him for being a dick - perhaps not as savage as yours to you, though. Before the service I went to the funeral home where his body lay in state and screamed at him for an hour. Boy, it felt good.
 
Sorry you're having to deal with this, Karl, especially over the Holidays and with the recent job change and all.

I'm sure your wife means well, but often times dealing with things like this in person dredges up old hurts that are better left buried - there was a reason why you distanced yourself and in this case, there is no need for closure. It's already there.

Whatever you decide, know that we're here for you, mister.
 

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