I have to post this from Eishtmo, our story-miester over at Warpstorm:
War? You can't fight a war with squirrels. They're animals.
But squirrel hunting, however, is a different story.
Back in the summer of '88, me and a couple of buddies of mine went out looking for squirrel. Went in the standard gear, heavy body armor, high velocity rifles with explosive bullets and, of course, a rocket launcher. Oh, they say it's unfair to the squirrels, but they've never seen one jump the fucking rocket in the heat of battle. That doesn't even compare to the number of dead left in the wake of a wild squirrel.
Now I'm a stand hunter, which if you know squirrels is about the most dangerous thing you can do. They call me crazy, but I'm good with my M60 by my side and shotgun with slugs, just in case. I'm watching my buddies make their way through the brush, looking for squirrel sign, you know, tracks and scat. Never want to step in squirrel scat, I should mention. Not only does it stink to high hell, but it often swallows your whole foot and seeps into your shoes. Foul.
Eventually, they disappear into the woods and out of my sight. Was I nervous? No, not really. I've gone squirrel hunting alone before, but usually I had the rocket launcher. This time, they did, so I kept my eyes moving. The littlest thing will set a squirrel off when it's guarding it's territory. That's when I heard the first shots.
Can't miss those high calibur guns and assult rifles in the woods. Even harder to miss how wild the shots were. I swung my gun around towards where the shots were coming from only to see my buddies running out of the woods in a mad dash. Behind him was the biggest squirrel I've ever seen. Had to have at least a 10' tail, and it was pissed. One of my friends dropped to one knee and fired the rocket launcher at him. The damn squirrel CAUGHT IT and THREW IT BACK. My friend just managed to dodge out of the way and was buried under brush and blown up tree. He'd be alright, just stunned.
I was already firing at the beast by then. I swear my bullets were bouncing off its hide, but I can't be so sure. The squirrel roared as it finally noticed my gun shots, and charged me, leaping up on to trees trying to get closer. Keeping calm in such a situation is nearly impossible, and I know my shots were going wild, but I kept it up, trying to get him in the eye or in its open, screaming mouth.
No such luck. It hit the tree my stand was attached to and I could feel the entire tree bend in response to the weight. I rolled over with the shotty in hand and fired at the damn thing point blank in the gut.
I bailed out of the tree just as he swung at me, and fell to the ground, breaking my ankle in the process. I was ******, and I knew it. With effort, I managed to get up and start moving, but the squirrel was determined to rip me assunder and dove at me.
That's when the helicopter fired the missile at it. The squirrel roared in response, but it must have figured it didn't have a chance against the gunship and disappeared back into the bush.
My other friend had used the time I bought him to get the Huey that had brought us out here. I was lucky, damn lucky. Ended up laid up for a month until my ankle was functional again. Both of my buddies headed out again later that season, but they never saw the monster squirrel again. I hear it's still out there, somewhere.