the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
i like that one 
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
- Thread starter Pisis
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Yep, good one 
Road accident
There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
show offs 
They can afford to
cheddar cheese
Major General
Neat.
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor, a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No, said the Director, a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor, a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No, said the Director, a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Matt308
Glock Perfection
102first_hussars
Tech Sergeant
At work me and a couple of other guys tricked one of the new boys into calling a Male Escort
Sniffer
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog".
He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent
"What's going on?
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog".
He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent
"What's going on?
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
Matt308
Glock Perfection
That one caught me by surprise.
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
me too, i also failed the bathtub test
if Les was on here a bit more often no doubt he'd reconise some of these some of them're great
if Les was on here a bit more often no doubt he'd reconise some of these
some of them're great
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Those are great Lanc.
Good stuff!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
cheddar cheese
Major General
Haha lanc...Male
Matt308
Glock Perfection
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgussted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgussted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Interesting to note that I had to purposely misspell d.i.s.g.u.s.t.e.d otherwise it looked like this disgusted.
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