Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!

[Matt308]

More clean humor...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put

into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here

years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese

food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us

realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or

will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the

most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"




After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row

raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

 

[the lancaster kicks ass]

i love it

 

[Maestro]

Very true for at least 50% of North-Americans too.

 

[v2]

Wrong b**ch

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down.The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."

 

[Matt308]

An oldie, but a goodie.

 

[Gnomey]

Yep.

 

[the lancaster kicks ass]

never heard that one before was expecting something along the lines of they go into a dark tunnel and he ends up having sex with the dog or summit like that.........

 

[Maestro]

...and he ends up having sex with the dog or summit like that.........

Your zoophilia is seriously disturbing, Lanc...

 

[Matt308]

never heard that one before was expecting something along the lines of they go into a dark tunnel and he ends up having sex with the dog or summit like that.........

WTF?

 

[evangilder]

You Might Be a Redneck Pilot If:

1. Your stall warning plays DIXIE.

2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.

3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.

4. You've ever used moonshine as AV-Gas.

5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.

6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.

8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.

9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a windsock.

10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."

11. You've never flown a nose-wheel airplane.

12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."

13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly.

14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.

15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.

16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.

17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.

18. You've never landed at an actual airport even though you've been flying for over 20 years.

19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.

20. You consider anything over 500-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.

21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."

22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area.

23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco on the left.

24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.

25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.

26. You've ever landed on Main Street for a cup of coffee.

27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.

28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from the Magnetic Compass.

29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical stabilizer.

31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.

32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing."

33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.

34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.

35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM heard you say, "Hey Y'all-Watch This!"

36. You use your airplane for camping.

37. You still have a CB radio and a "Handle" (Call sign) in your plane, truck, or bass boat.

 

[the lancaster kicks ass]

haha brilliant

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Matt308]

.

 

[Gnomey]

LOL

 

[Matt308]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in
> > Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
> > pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here
> > will buy a lady a drink?"
> >
> > The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
> > end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the bar and
> > bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
> >
> > The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
turned
> > to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same
> > hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
> >
> > Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
> > said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
> >
> > The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old man,
it's
> > your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
> > calling her the ballerina?"
> >
> > The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be
> > a ballerina!"

 

[Gnomey]

haha

 

[the lancaster kicks ass]

well it made me giggle

warning- not for you kiddies...........

 

[k9kiwi]

For those government employees and bureaucrats who have problems with standard recipes, here's one that should make the grade--a classic version of the chocolate-chip cookie translated for easy reading.

Total Lead Time: 35 minutes.

Inputs:

1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1/2 cup shortening
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
12-ounce package semi-sweet chocolate pieces
1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans

Guidance:

After procurement actions, decontainerize inputs. Perform measurement tasks on a case-by-case basis. In a mixing type bowl, impact heavily on brown sugar, granulated sugar, softened butter and shortening. Coordinate the interface of eggs and vanilla, avoiding an overrun scenario to the best of your skills and abilities.

At this point in time, leverage flour, baking soda and salt into a bowl and aggregate. Equalize with prior mixture and develop intense and continuous liaison among inputs until well-coordinated. Associate key chocolate and nut subsystems and execute stirring operations.

Within the time frame, take action to prepare the heating environment for throughout by manually setting the oven baking unit by hand to a temperature of 375 degrees Fahrenheit (190 degrees Celsius). Drop mixture in an ongoing fashion from a teaspoon implement onto an ungreased cookie sheet at intervals sufficient enough apart to permit total and permanent separation of throughputs to the maximum extent practicable under operating conditions.

Position cookie sheet in a bake situation and surveil for 8 to 10 minutes or until cooking action terminates.

Initiate coordination of outputs within the cooling rack function. Containerize, wrap in red tape and disseminate to authorized staff personnel on a timely and expeditious basis.

Output:

Six dozen official government chocolate-chip units.

--------

And I used to think management material was just a softer ply tissue.

 

[Matt308]

well it made me giggle

warning- not for you kiddies...........

Sick humor. Always my favorite. Low brow humor must match my intelligence.

 

[Matt308]

Hope I can get this to work. I can't seem to get *gif files to work like I want to. Lack of proper education, I've been told. Here goes.

Describing simple harmonic movement

For Syscom: