Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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Ralph Haus
Tech Sergeant
Karl!!!???
Greg Boeser
2nd Lieutenant
A Texan upon seeing her first live armadillo in Georgia exclaimed: OMG! I never knew they could move. I just thought they were born on the road dead!
MiTasol
1st Lieutenant
sums up the Texas education standards perfectly
buffnut453
Captain
A rural dean once went to visit one of his local priests. He could see the priest looked sad, so he asked what the matter was. The priest replied, "I have had my bicycle stolen, and what's worse, I think it has been stolen by one of my congregation."
The wise rural dean thought for a second and said, "Ah, what you need to do.. is preach a sermon on the 10 Commandments. When you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look sternly at all the congregation. The person who looks embarrassed will be the one who stole it."
A few weeks later, the rural dean visited again and the priest was much happier. The priest told. him he got his bike back. The rural dean said, "Did you preach on the 10 Commandments?"
"Yes." replied the priest
"And did you find out who took it?"
"Er, not exactly. When I got to "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I remembered where I left it."
The wise rural dean thought for a second and said, "Ah, what you need to do.. is preach a sermon on the 10 Commandments. When you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look sternly at all the congregation. The person who looks embarrassed will be the one who stole it."
A few weeks later, the rural dean visited again and the priest was much happier. The priest told. him he got his bike back. The rural dean said, "Did you preach on the 10 Commandments?"
"Yes." replied the priest
"And did you find out who took it?"
"Er, not exactly. When I got to "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I remembered where I left it."
MiTasol
1st Lieutenant
No - I did not get it from arsebook. From an email
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
I imagine that there are a few members here....
SaparotRob
Unter Gemeine Geschwader Murmeltier XIII
There is a local business here named Lawn Order.
buffnut453
Captain
That's the badge of office for all Home Owners' Association fascists who walk around spying on their neighbours. Here's an example from Maryland (yes, I know it's the US Sun...but this is the joke thread, after all):
Our HOA said our lawn wasn't manicured enough - we spent $60k in legal fight
A DETERMINED couple took their homeowner association to court after it declared their lawn wasn’t manicured enough. Janet and Jeff Crouch spent $60,000 to fight the power imbalance – an…
www.the-sun.com
What boggles my mind is that the HOA spent $100K fighting this case. Craziness!!!
A4K
Brigadier General
Mental.
buffnut453
Captain
This takes skill...and imagination. I foresee a future as a stunt driver in remakes of "The Dukes of Hazard":
www.bbc.com
Car crashes into second floor of Pennsylvania home
Police say their investigation suggests the crash was "an intentional act".
www.bbc.com
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special ed
2nd Lieutenant
- 5,718
- May 13, 2018
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each bowling and plays golf every Sunday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them saying, "Hey Bob, how ya doin?"
His wife, puzzled, asks if he has been here before.
"Oh no. He's in my bowling league."
As they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings him a Coors.
"How did she know you drink Coors?"
"I recognize her from the golf club. She's a waitress on Sundays. I always have a Coors at the end of the first nine."
A stripper comes to the table, throws her arms around him, rubs herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out. Bob follows and spots her getting a cab. He jumps in beside her and tries to explain how the stripper must have taken him for someone else.
His wife is screaming at the top of her lungs calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Hey Bob. You picked up a real bitch this time."
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them saying, "Hey Bob, how ya doin?"
His wife, puzzled, asks if he has been here before.
"Oh no. He's in my bowling league."
As they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings him a Coors.
"How did she know you drink Coors?"
"I recognize her from the golf club. She's a waitress on Sundays. I always have a Coors at the end of the first nine."
A stripper comes to the table, throws her arms around him, rubs herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out. Bob follows and spots her getting a cab. He jumps in beside her and tries to explain how the stripper must have taken him for someone else.
His wife is screaming at the top of her lungs calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Hey Bob. You picked up a real bitch this time."
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
cammerjeff
Staff Sergeant
Some part of me wants that to be the Mini Kiss tour bus!
syscom3
Pacific Historian
Greg Boeser
2nd Lieutenant
