Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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Maestro
Master Sergeant
That just made me realize something, though... If ever I have a daughter, I think the first thing I'm gonna buy her when she turns 14 is a jack knife... Along with a free self-defence lesson given by your truly.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Great stuff RA!!!!
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood
of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but
he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing
at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Get the f*ck off the windshield!"
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood
of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but
he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing
at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Get the f*ck off the windshield!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
I got this one yesterday.
Love those Church Ladies..... These BLOOPERS actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching
for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is
hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation...
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can
get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early
and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in
the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited
to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
Love those Church Ladies..... These BLOOPERS actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching
for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is
hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation...
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can
get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early
and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in
the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited
to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
Loiner
Senior Airman
Excellant.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office, you w**ker"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office, you w**ker"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Love it !
Maestro
Master Sergeant
Hah !
If it had been me, I would surely have replied something like : "Don't touch, me ! You, pervert !"
Catch22
Major
LOL
