Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
Got this one today:
Danish Prime Minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen, US President Barack Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel went for a walk at the coast in western Jutland on a short stop-over, and Lars Løkke started bragging a bit:
"We've got a submarine that can stay submerged and take care of whatever business is necessary, for two weeks!"
"Hahah!" replied Obama, "Our nuclear-powered submarines can stay down for a year without getting extra supplies!"
Angela Merkel shoots a humble look at the two guys, and says nothing.
But suddenly a german submarine surfaces a hundred meters from the beach, the top hatch opens, and a man in uniform climbs out and hollers: "Heil Hitler! Ve are running short of diesel fuel!"
KMeyrick
Airman 1st Class
Maestro
Master Sergeant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Was gonna post a pic, but it won't upload.
Last edited:
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto he bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullsh!t. Gotta' go home and have sex with the cat."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullsh!t. Gotta' go home and have sex with the cat."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Lucky's a mouse???
One day a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said:.........
"You must have really p!ssed off Grandma."
"You must have really p!ssed off Grandma."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Kids...gotta frikkin love em!!!
Yep!
Maestro
Master Sergeant
A company appoints a new personnel manager. Determined to impress, he sets out to rid the company of all its slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he sees a young guy leaning against a wall. He walks up to the guy and asks: 'How much money do you make a week?' The young fellow replies: 'I earn $400 a week. Why?' The personnel manager hands the guy $400 in cash and screams: 'Here's a week's wages, now get out and don't come back.
He looks around the room and asks: 'What did that slacker do here anyway?' Eventually, one of the workers mutters: 'Pizza delivery guy.'
He looks around the room and asks: 'What did that slacker do here anyway?' Eventually, one of the workers mutters: 'Pizza delivery guy.'
B-17engineer
Colonel
Today, at the Eurostar customs, an officer asked me if I had packed my luggage myself. I teasingly answered "No, I was helped by a member of Al Qaeda." which earned me a body and luggage search and a missed train. FML
Maestro
Master Sergeant
Don't f*ck with custom officers...
A man wakes up a morning after one hell of a night out. He walks up to the table and sits down. A few seconds later, his wife comes in with a black-eye, she puts a plate in front of his husband filled with two eggs, bacon, fried potatoes and bread. She also gives him a cup of hot coffee before returning to the kitchen.
Not remembering a single thing of what happened last night, the man leans toward his 10-year-old son and asks why she had a black eye.
"Well daddy, says the son, you came home at 2 in the morning drunk like a pig, you puked in the hallway and when mom asked you where you had been, you punched her in the face and went to bed... Still dressed up."
"Oh, my God, says the man, And what about the fine breakfast ?"
"After you had passed out, she went to the bedroom and started to undress you. When she undone your pants, you woke up and said : 'Get lost, bitch ! I'm married.'"
A man wakes up a morning after one hell of a night out. He walks up to the table and sits down. A few seconds later, his wife comes in with a black-eye, she puts a plate in front of his husband filled with two eggs, bacon, fried potatoes and bread. She also gives him a cup of hot coffee before returning to the kitchen.
Not remembering a single thing of what happened last night, the man leans toward his 10-year-old son and asks why she had a black eye.
"Well daddy, says the son, you came home at 2 in the morning drunk like a pig, you puked in the hallway and when mom asked you where you had been, you punched her in the face and went to bed... Still dressed up."
"Oh, my God, says the man, And what about the fine breakfast ?"
"After you had passed out, she went to the bedroom and started to undress you. When she undone your pants, you woke up and said : 'Get lost, bitch ! I'm married.'"
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Great stuff Gary !
