Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

Yeah..that's what I thought too...

Not surprised!

Why is it if you send a package by Ship it is called Cargo, and if you send it by Car it is called a Shipment?
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What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
Lawsuits.
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What an amazing lawyer he was. Once he got a jury so confused, they sent the judge to jail.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a pit bull terrier?
A pit bull terrier knows when to stop chasing an ambulance.
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Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
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What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
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A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and the railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field which the railroad passed through. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case.
After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"
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What's the easiest way to grease a Ferarri?
Run over a lawyer.
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The highway department came to the scene of the accident where 25 feet of skid marks led up to the skunk. They picked up the first victim and gave him a proper burial, taking pains to notify the family of the tragedy. Of course they had to put clothes pins on their noses and rubber gloves on before they could remove the lawyer.
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After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for Divorce."
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What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.
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"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
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Where there's a will, there's a happy Lawyer!
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.
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Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
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A lawyer was driving down a country road when he sees a family in a field eating grass. He pulls over and asks them why they're doing that. One of the people says, "we are so poor we can't afford food". So the lawyer says, "get in my car I'll take you to my house". "Are you sure"? asked one of the people, "there are 6 of us". "Yes, get in the car" said the lawyer. They all got in the car. When they were about to get to the lawyers house one of the people said "this is really great of you" and the lawyer "said no problem I have grass 6 feet tall".
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Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!
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A man went to the Chamber of Commerce in a small town. Obviously distressed, he asked the man at the counter, 'Is there a criminal attorney in town?'
The man replied, 'Yes, but we can't prove it yet.'
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The trouble with the legal profession is that 98 per cent of its members give it a bad name.

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
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As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
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Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
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A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it -- it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.
The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."
The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper's terms, and left with the rat.
At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But, as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a life rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.
The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.
The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper's warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the rat into the water, where they drowned.
The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, no refunds. I don't want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can't return the merchandise."
The man smiled, and replied, "Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know -- do you have a brass lawyer in stock?"
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."
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At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them."
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Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal.
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An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except for the lawyer who is still passing out business cards."
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There was the cartoon showing two farmers fighting over the ownership of a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
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Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"
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Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
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What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.
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Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
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"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
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A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've got just one question. Do you have one that's shaped like a lawyer?"
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St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair. So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer replied, "If you want it fixed YOU pay for it!"
St. Peter replied "The fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you."
Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think YOU are going to get a lawyer?!"
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A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
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There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
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Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they eventually floated passed a man on the ground.
They yelled "Where are we?"
The man replied "You are in a balloon".
One of the men in the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a lawyer".
How can you tell?, the two asked.
"It's easy, the information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless".
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There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1 million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow.
The engineer broke the silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly sorry ..."
The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up. "I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..."
After they settled down, both the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part I threw in a check for the full $1 million."
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Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the path. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.
Tell the District Attorney that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
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It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said "Professional Courtesy!"
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A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."
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A banker, an engineer and a lawyer were driving down a road when suddenly, their car broke down. Seeing a farm house near by, they decided to stop by and ask if they could sleep overnight while their car was being repaired. "Sure", replied the farmer, "...but I only have two spare beds - one of you will have to sleep in the barn." The engineer decided that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the bedroom door. "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu." So, the banker agreed to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door: "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a pig in the barn, and I am Jewish." The lawyer said "I know what you're up to, but I'll go", and so the lawyer went out the barn. Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door - the cow and the pig.
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What's a good example of a missed opportunity?
A bus-load of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat.
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What should you do if you find three lawyers buried up to their neck in cement?
Run and find some more cement!
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What's the easiest way to get away from a lawyer?
Buy a faster ambulance.
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What's the best way to get a hold of a lawyer?
By the neck...

What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
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A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
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It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
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A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
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These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
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A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
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A plumber was called to fix a blocked pipe. He arrived, banged on the pipes for 15 minutes, and said to the homeowner, well that'll be $35. The homeowner said "thirty five dollars!!!!- why thats $140 per hour!! I'm a lawyer and I only make $100 an hour!!" The plumber replies, "yeah, thats what I got when I was a lawyer."
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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer.
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Last year a group of terrorists hijacked a planeload of lawyers. They said that they'd release one every hour unless their demands were met.
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Once upon a time there was a snake and a rabbit that bumped into each other in the woods. Both were blind. The snake started feeling the rabbit's fur and said, 'You are nice and soft, so you must be a rabbit.' Then the rabbit started feeling the snake and said, 'And you are cold and slithery. You must be a lawyer.'

LMAO

A giraffe and a coyote are drinking water from a small pond in Africa. The day was very hot and all animals needed some water.
Oh boy ...how the water is wonderful cold. ... said the giraffe. Can you feel that coyote?
Nope ... answered the coyote.
No wonder.. having a such short throat. If you had a neck four metres long like me you would feel that for sure - said the giraffe.
Oh yeah? ...And have you ever been sick? ... asked the coyote.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Vulture is courteous enough to wait until you're dead.

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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with
his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've
ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games
out of five."



today'sTHOT============================

Sign in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is
our manure spreader.

(The sketch opens in an aeroplane cockpit. The Captain and the First Officer are whistling idly. They are obviously very bored.)

C: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.

FO: Sky. C: Mm-hm.

FO I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.

C: Cloud.

FO: Yeah. Oh God, I'm so bored.

C: I'm fed up with that game. Let's play another game. I know what..

FO: What? (The Captain picks up a microphone.)

C: (over intercom) "Hello, this is your Captain speaking. There is absolutely no cause for concern." That'll get them thinking.

(The First Officer reaches for the microphone.)

C: No, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet. Let it sink in. They'll be thinking, er, 'What is there no cause for alarm about? Are the wings on fire?' (over intercom) "The wings are not on fire." Now they're thinking, er, 'why should he say that?' So we say.

(The Steward enters.)

FO: Oh, how are we doing?

S: (looks down the aisle) They've stopped eating; Looking a bit worried...

C: Good.

S: Hang on, one of them is going to the washroom.

C: Is he there yet?

S: He's just closing the door... NOW!

C: One... Two... Three..

FO: (over intercom) "Please return to your seats and fasten your seat-belts immediately."

S: Yes... here he comes, going up the aisle like the clappers. I'll do the worried walk now. (He leaves.)

FO: Right. Safety regulations.

C: (agreeing) Safety regulations.

FO: (over intercom) "Please listen carefully. I want you, I want to remind you of some of the safety regulations. In the case of emergency it is vitally important to..." (The Captain makes a radio-static type noise.)

FO: "as the warning buzzer sounds."

C: "Bzzzz" (They both laugh.)

C: Oh, that's got them rattled.

S: (enters) Great, great! (exit)

C: Hey, I've got an idea! "Hello, you will find your life-jackets under your seats."

FO: No, they're on the racks.

C: Shshh, let them scrabble a bit. "I'm sorry, you will find them on the racks above your heads."

FO: Aaah!

S: (back again) Great, great, that was marvellous!

FO: Right. Gobbledegook.

C: Oh, yes.

FO "The scransons above your heads are now ready to flange. Please unfasten your safety belts and press the emergency photoscamps on the back of the seats in front of you."

S: (looks out) Marvellous, milling about, climbing over the seats.

FO: "Please find the emergency sprill in the washroom at the back and release it..."

C: "but do not unfasten your safety belts."

S: That got them back to their seats.

FO: "The emergency sprill MUST be released..."

C: "but do not leave your seats."

FO: "Do not panic."

C: "Tea will now be served."

FO: "Inflate your life-jackets"

C: "and extinguish all cigarettes."

FO: "Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads and place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft."

C: "Except for hand luggage..."

FO: "which you should sit on." (They are in fits of laughter.)

C: Now have a look.

S: (looks) Hang on... hang on... they've all jumped out! (They laugh, pointing downwards and looking out of the windows. After a while the laughter dies away. There is a lengthy pause.)

C: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some trouble about this.

(They burst out laughing again. The sketch ends.)

!

Heh....ya think the FAA might notice?

And now something complety non-PC...
_________________________________________________

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said...

'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

Excellant.