Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

what men would do if they had a v*gina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

what women would do if they had a p*nis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

That was great lucky chick on the bike wow

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

"Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed
services...the United States Marines...you know one of their nicknames
is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really
tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to
settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years)
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Air
Force."

Nice one V2!

Great stuff Lucky and V2..

On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States ,
Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Eliza beth. During that meeting he
asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"


"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent
ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?", asked Bill.

You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button
and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the
Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.

Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your
brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen.. "You may go now."

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back
on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a
riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a
child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was
that child ?"

Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the
answer. Can I deliberate on this for
awhile?"

"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer.."

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and
asked them the riddle. But after much
discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.
She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the
former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her
most
formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama.

So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents
had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who
was the child?"

"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me."

"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination
for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !"
So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your
riddle. The child was Barack Obama.!"

"No, you Dumb BITCH!" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"

The bottom line... guess where we're headed with the two of them again
running the Country!

maybe this...

Oh no.Another Tltd here. Ah,ah.

Some very good jokes here!!! I am not sure if this one has already been posted, but anyways, just in case it has not...


A very worried man made an appointmet with the doctor. The patient told the doctor what his concerns were:

(P): Doctor, i seem to have a problem...
(D): What is it?
(P): My penis Doctor...
(D): What about it?
(P): Hmmm...you ought to see this...
(D): Ok, let´s see what we can see...please drop your pants and lie on the bed..

The patient dropped his pants and was now lying on the examination bed.

(D): -Eyes wide open- An orange coloured penis???
(P): Yes doctor...please tell me what could this possibly be!!! Is this some lethal disease??? I do not want to die!!!!

The doctor grabbed a book from his massive shelf and commenced searching...

(D): Hmmm...let´s see...purple penis...red penis...green penis...fuchsia penis...yellow...What on earth, i see nothing for orange penis!! What is it that you did?
(P): I dunno doctor...i´ve been drinking way too much these past weeks, so i could not recall things very well...
(D): Make an effort, try to remember...who were you with these days?
(P): Ok...about last night, yes...i a put a porno movie on my DVD player, grabbed a Six-Pack of beer and a bag of Cheetos...cannot remember anything else.

The CO's morning briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Wing in the U. S. Air Force was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Group and Squadron Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The Wing Exec. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The General's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Airman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young Airman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the Airman, "If there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Good stuff Guys..

A woman and her husband were in bed at night.

They were seeing an action movie; then an overtly sexual scene commenced.

The husband, without taking his eyes off the screen, put his hand on his wife´s thigh...then he moved his hand and touched her breasts...he then moved his hand down and touched her hips, then a bit further down grazing his fingers over her pubis...

bewildered, the woman grew excited and hot, it has been a good while since her boring husband attempted anything sexual...the man continued touching all over her body increasing her body temperature...suddenly he turned to her and yelled: "where is the goddamned remote control?????"

Oh sh*t, I can just imagine that.. Good one Udet

Good one

Holly crap.