Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

A dashing young aviator has finally scraped together enough cash to hire the local flying clubs Cessna 152 for a couple of hours to practice his cross country navigation.
On his return leg he lands at a busy airport and after checking in with the tower and paying his fee, he has just enough left for a coffee.
On reaching the lounge he finds it jampacked with smartly uniformed airline types with a smattering of military.
Feeling like a very small fish in a big pond he makes his way to the only vacant table.
He has just sat down when a stunning blonde enters and after looking round makes he way to his table.
As she does so every head turns to watch her progress.
He can feel the waves of envy directed at him from all directions and starts to feel rather pleased with himself.
After sitting down opposite she asks if he is a pilot
"Yes as a matter of fact I am"
"Oh really how wonderful and what sort of plane do you fly?"
"A C 152"
"What sort of plane is that?"
He points to a Hercules sitting on the apron
"You see that one just there,well that's a C 130.

Brilliant!

. . . The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down since we always hear "the rules" from the female side...

Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl, if it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO IDEA what Mauve is.

1. If IT itches, IT will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight...

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Now THAT is ABSOLUTELY Brilliant

Women's Rules
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or weeks ago. Get mad when they don't remember.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
9. Cry.
10. Get mad at them for everything.
11. Hold grudges.
12. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
13. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
14. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
15. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
16. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
17. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
18. Cry.
19. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
20. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
21. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
22. Correct their grammar.
23. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
24. Leave out the good parts in stories.
25. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
26. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
27. Cry.
28. Declare that you are not wacko.
29. Criticize the way they dress.
30. Criticize the music they listen to.
31. Criticize their hair.
32. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
33. Try to change them.
34. Try to mold them.
35. Try to get them to dance.
36. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
37. Cry.
38. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
39. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
40. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
41. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
42. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
43. Read into everything.
44. Over-analyze everything.
45. Cry.
46. Make it your goal to make them cry.

Funny....yet, oddly enough, it makes me want to cry.

What can I say RA, it's not my design. Face it, we're prisoners of our hormones

I hear that.

You'd think they'd be satisfied, after all, they have half the money and ALL the b**bs...

mikewint said:

You'd think they'd be satisfied, after all, they have half the money and ALL the b**bs...

Click to expand...

Why, when what we want is ALL the money, and d**k!

Maria, yes but, with half the money you can buy all the batteries you want

mikewint said:

Maria, yes but, with half the money you can buy all the batteries you want

Click to expand...

Maybe so, but I can't get a vibrator to do the dishes and take out the trash!

Hmm...I think Maria wins this one. Although rumor has it that she keeps trying to find that one special model. Just ask those Jehovah's Witness guys.

Let's see Maria, half the money buys you a dishwasher and a garbage disposal AND all the batteries you could ever want