Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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welfare agent is checking up on one of her clients, making sure she isn't makig fraudulent claims, notices that every time she calls one of her 5 boys she uses the same name "george"

why have you named all your boys George?

well it's easier, when i want them to come for dinner or in for the night i just yell George!!!
and they all come running.

" Well that sorta makes sense, but what if you want a specific George, then what do you do?"

well then i just call them by thier last name of course!
 
Paddy died. His Will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.
"To be sure you're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"
Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly. "Surely not! Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"
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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
 
One sunny day in Ireland, Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy.

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
 
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