Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[RabidAlien]

My question is...where's that gas station at? I mean, c'mon...a plane slides up to the island, and a fireman is there to clean the nose? Holy crap, that's what I call service!!!

 

[mikewint]

Got to be cheaper than at the airport. Can't quite make out the sign but at those prices it's got to be per liter

 

[Wayne Little]

Good one Mike!

 

[mikewint]

Anime is a big thing with some, I don't know which is more disturbing, the sheets or the box of tissues

 

[RabidAlien]

Mike....c'mon, man....get a real pillow!

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

Really man.

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[mikewint]

RA, I like 'em small, they just wear out so quick

 

[RabidAlien]

Okay, this one may get me yelled at....but, here goes:

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

 

[Geedee]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to sod off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"Ok follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, ongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes yes YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I bl**dy didn't!"

 

[RabidAlien]

I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

 

[B-17engineer]

A bad pick up line:

Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is pretty f**ked up.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[mikewint]

RA ist in diesen Zeiten der zweiten Witz viel lustiger
and Geedee -

 

[RabidAlien]

Mike...no idea what you just said, buddy!




****************************



Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. " The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[wheelsup_cavu]

Humorous Military Rules

Source: Humorous Military Rules - SimHQ Forums

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10... Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11... Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12... In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13... If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
For the Navy, you forgot rule #4: Turn on CNN to watch the rest of the war.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

Wheels

 

[Wayne Little]

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman: "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The barman considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the barman: "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The barman agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. Then, as the rat plays the blues, the man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies. "He's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the barman demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere half a million!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. The rat's a ventriloquist."

 

[Wurger]