Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

Should these be standard issue?

BBC News - Singapore soldier 'remorseful' over maid backpack gaffe

Camp-followers are an old military tradition in the US and Britain continuing into the civil war. The men carried the weapons and the women carried all the baggage and were part of the baggage train. The military has no sense of humor in this PC world

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2' strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy BOB finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look real good, but we have what you might call
an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six democrats,
and a rabbit"

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude. You pass." says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

cute, RA

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

well that's different

Wheels

Had to email that deputy joke out to buds

LMAO

TO

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
...
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

TO

Three Redneck convicts were on the way to prison after being sentenced.
They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them pass their time while imprisoned.
On the bus, each one turned to the other and said, "So, wha cha bring?"
The second redneck pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of the Jail."
Then he asked the first redneck, "Wha cha bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brung cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and a host of games."
The third redneck was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why you bein smug? Wha cha bring?"
The redneck pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brung these here.
"The other two were puzzled and asked, "What cha gonna do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said,"Well this hare riting on dis box sez, I kin go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating…."

Southerners:

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."



Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"



Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.



Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."



Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"



North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."



And this from South Carolina

You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the north.