RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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mikewint
Captain
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother!"
TO
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother!"
TO
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and older on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Best Short Letters (stolen shamelessly from this blog: Home on the Range)
Dear TSA,
"Hi, Jack" isn't the same as "hijack."
Sincerely, was only greeting a friend.
Dear Lady GaGa,
At what point did you think wearing meat was a good idea?
Sincerely, hungry kids in Africa.
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear mailman,
How does your dog react when you get home?
Sincerely, curious.
Dear Oxford,
If you misspell a word, will we ever know?
Sincerely, genuinely concerned.
Dear 72-hour deodorant,
Sincerely, why?
Dear Students,
I know when you're texting.
Sincerely, No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Justin Bieber is the payback.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Iceberg,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear Titanic,
OM NOM NOM.
Sincerely, Iceberg
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Captain Marvel
Dear idiots,
Please pull your pants up so we can't see your underwear and get a job
Sincerely, a taxpayer tired of supporting you and your 5 illegitimate children.
Dear Fork,
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is spork. He has your hair.
Sincerely, Spoon
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely, The Mayans
Dear Kids,
There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents.
Sincerely, Wikileaks
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco . . .
Sincerely, United States
Dear President Obama,
Please go screw Michelle for a change.
Sincerely,
The American Taxpayer
Dear TSA,
"Hi, Jack" isn't the same as "hijack."
Sincerely, was only greeting a friend.
Dear Lady GaGa,
At what point did you think wearing meat was a good idea?
Sincerely, hungry kids in Africa.
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear mailman,
How does your dog react when you get home?
Sincerely, curious.
Dear Oxford,
If you misspell a word, will we ever know?
Sincerely, genuinely concerned.
Dear 72-hour deodorant,
Sincerely, why?
Dear Students,
I know when you're texting.
Sincerely, No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Justin Bieber is the payback.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Iceberg,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear Titanic,
OM NOM NOM.
Sincerely, Iceberg
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Captain Marvel
Dear idiots,
Please pull your pants up so we can't see your underwear and get a job
Sincerely, a taxpayer tired of supporting you and your 5 illegitimate children.
Dear Fork,
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is spork. He has your hair.
Sincerely, Spoon
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely, The Mayans
Dear Kids,
There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents.
Sincerely, Wikileaks
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco . . .
Sincerely, United States
Dear President Obama,
Please go screw Michelle for a change.
Sincerely,
The American Taxpayer
mikewint
Captain
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Oops!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
Oh My....
mikewint
Captain
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Chris works for the government, doesn't he.
