Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
davparlr
Senior Master Sergeant
May be made up, but I laughed really hard!
> These are probably all fabricated, but still funny!!
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>> Aviation Humor -
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>> Ah yes, communications between those on the ground and those in the air..................
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>> British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
>>
>> Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."
>>
>> Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Nova 851: " Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
>>
>> Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax , the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.
>> Expect runway 06."
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
>> Pilot: Yes.
>> Tower: Yes what?
>> Pilot: Yes, SIR!
>>
>> ---------------------------
>>
>> Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
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>> Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt . We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
>>
>> Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110
>> knots.'
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>> Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
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>> Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
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>> Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
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>> Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
>>
>> --------------------------
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>> ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?
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>> Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
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>> ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes, not years.'
>>
>> --------------------------
>>
>> Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
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>> Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
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>> Controller: Oh, Oh, Sh*t! You have traffic!
>>
>> ---------------------
>>
>> O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
>>
>> USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
>>
>> O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
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>> USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
>>
>> ----------------------
>>
>> ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
>>
>> Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
>>
>> ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
>>
>> ------------------------
>>
>> Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
>>
>> Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
>>
>> --------------------------
>>
>> Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
>>
>> ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
>>
>> -------------------------
>>
>> Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
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>> Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ..'
>>
>> --------------------
>>
>> Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
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>> Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
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>> Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
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>> Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
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>> Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
>>
>> -----------------------------
>>
>> Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
>>
>> American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
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>> Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
>>
>> Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
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>> Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
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>> BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
>>
>> Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
>>
>> ------------------------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
>>
>> Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
>>
>> Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
>>
>> ---------------------------
>>
>> Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>> Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
>>
>> Pilot: 'More or less.'
>>
>> Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
>>
>> ----------------------------
>>
>> Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
>>
>> Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
>>
>> Tower: 'Affirmative.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
>>
>>
>>
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> These are probably all fabricated, but still funny!!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Aviation Humor -
>>
>> Ah yes, communications between those on the ground and those in the air..................
>>
>>
>>
>> British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
>>
>> Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."
>>
>> Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Nova 851: " Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
>>
>> Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax , the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.
>> Expect runway 06."
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
>> Pilot: Yes.
>> Tower: Yes what?
>> Pilot: Yes, SIR!
>>
>> ---------------------------
>>
>> Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt . We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
>>
>> Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110
>> knots.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
>>
>> Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
>>
>> Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
>>
>> Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
>>
>> --------------------------
>>
>> ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?
>>
>> Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
>>
>> ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes, not years.'
>>
>> --------------------------
>>
>> Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
>>
>> Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
>>
>> Controller: Oh, Oh, Sh*t! You have traffic!
>>
>> ---------------------
>>
>> O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
>>
>> USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
>>
>> O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
>>
>> USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
>>
>> ----------------------
>>
>> ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
>>
>> Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
>>
>> ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
>>
>> ------------------------
>>
>> Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
>>
>> Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
>>
>> --------------------------
>>
>> Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
>>
>> ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
>>
>> -------------------------
>>
>> Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
>>
>> Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ..'
>>
>> --------------------
>>
>> Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
>>
>> Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
>>
>> Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
>>
>> -----------------------------
>>
>> Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
>>
>> American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
>>
>> Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
>>
>> Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
>>
>> Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
>>
>> BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
>>
>> Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
>>
>> ------------------------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
>>
>> Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
>>
>> Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
>>
>> ---------------------------
>>
>> Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>> Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
>>
>> Pilot: 'More or less.'
>>
>> Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
>>
>> ----------------------------
>>
>> Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
>>
>> Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
>>
>> Tower: 'Affirmative.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Good ones !
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Those were great!
BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
Here's a lame one:
I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport----apparently you have to be driven there!
-----
Here's another one:
Lufthansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUER!!!"
Last edited:
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
ROTFLMBO!!!!! Hadn't seen any of those...but Maria's "Achtung SPITFEUER!!!" has me rolling!
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Wheels
BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
The guy was sitting it out on a peaceful nightshift. Not much was happening - right until a Japanese airliner came into his area and started talking to him.
All was fine at the beginning - bussines as usual. The the JAL captain says "Malmö control this is JAL1234, say my current postion from point such and such"
ATC guy repsonds with a fix.
5 minutes later the same thing.
"Malmö control this is JAL1234 confirm my current postion from point such and such"
ATC responds again.
It goes on like that for three more times or so, and then there's a voice on comms, speaking with an american accent:
"I wonder: How the hell did they find Pearl Harbour?"
JAL flight went silent until they acknowledged passing to another controller
All was fine at the beginning - bussines as usual. The the JAL captain says "Malmö control this is JAL1234, say my current postion from point such and such"
ATC guy repsonds with a fix.
5 minutes later the same thing.
"Malmö control this is JAL1234 confirm my current postion from point such and such"
ATC responds again.
It goes on like that for three more times or so, and then there's a voice on comms, speaking with an american accent:
"I wonder: How the hell did they find Pearl Harbour?"
JAL flight went silent until they acknowledged passing to another controller
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
That's just wrong.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Son, don't be nervous, just do your best and, if the surgery doesn't go well and I don't make it, just remember, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Son, don't be nervous, just do your best and, if the surgery doesn't go well and I don't make it, just remember, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
