Quotes and Jokes
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An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
"She also stole a can of peas," the Husband said.
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
"She also stole a can of peas," the Husband said.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
New technique for managing stress
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest
psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater..
8. See! You're smiling already.
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest
psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater..
8. See! You're smiling already.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Damn Wayne, your right, it DOES work!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
HEALTH MESSAGE
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.
AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?
today'sTHOT============================
I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.
AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?
today'sTHOT============================
I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Only in Tennessee.
An East Tennessee Highway Patrol pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty
taillight.
When the Trooper approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the Trooper
his driver's license,
insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The Trooper took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Shepherd, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The Trooper looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The Trooper asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the Trooper bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Shepherd, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Shepherd locked eyes with the Trooper and calmly answered,
"Not a DAMN thing!"
An East Tennessee Highway Patrol pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty
taillight.
When the Trooper approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the Trooper
his driver's license,
insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The Trooper took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Shepherd, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The Trooper looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The Trooper asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the Trooper bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Shepherd, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Shepherd locked eyes with the Trooper and calmly answered,
"Not a DAMN thing!"
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Right on. 
It's OK
Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'
Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
