Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Night Fighter Nut]

One night a burgler broke into a house while the owners were gone on vacation. While he was searching for valuables, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you..."

This made the burgler freeze in his tracks and waits... Not hearing any other sound, he thinks it's just his imagination and continues to search. Later, while putting some valuables he found into a sack, he hears the voice again say, "Jesus is watching you..."

This time he's really spooked and he looks around in the dark. No one is there and all is silent again. He's about to start working again when the voice speaks a third time, "Jesus is watching you!"

The burgler can't take anymore and turns on his flash light to find the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he is in, he sees a bird cage with a parrot inside.

Laughing to himself for being scared, he askes the parrot " was that you?" The parrot replies, "Yes and Jesus is watching you!"

Laughing again, he askes the bird, "What's your name?" to which the parrot says "Moses!" Smiling, the burgler askes, "What kind of people would name their bird Moses?"

The parrot, bring its head a little closer to the burgler, replies...

"the same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus!"

 

[mikewint]

How about an attack spider?

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

I like that one Mike!

 

[mikewint]

GUTS OR BALLS
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the distinction between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the GUTS to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the but and having the BALLS to say: "You're next, fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the two definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[RabidAlien]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[vikingBerserker]

There is a movie sign that has the following movies on it
My Neigbore
Cursed
My Dog Skip
Can you figure it out?

Movies without endings?????

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS ISLAMIC TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD

The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes: Generally from

.223 to .50 cal.


The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled
technician, who will also make the injection.
No Anesthetic is required.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches
and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't
even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

 

[Gnomey]

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO, Nice Aaron!

 

[RabidAlien]

Thanks, I needed a laugh!

 

[Wayne Little]

President Bush gets out of his helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Nice pigs, Sir!"
Bush replies, "These are not pigs, these are Texan Razorback hogs! I got one for Vice-President Cheney and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Good trade, Sir!"

 

[ToughOmbre]

A WOMAN'S POEM....

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM.....

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send me fishing and hunting.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

TO

 

[Glider]

Wayne, that was great

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.. Every time my husband
comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is
asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
came home drunk, I swished with water... I swished and swished, and he
didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water doesn't do anything at all. ... it's keeping your mouth shut that
does the trick...."

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Wayne Little]