Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

[javlin]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[RabidAlien]

@Gary: #22

@javelin:

 

[RabidAlien]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

[Wayne Little]

Nice Guys!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[javlin]

Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

ï


"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter:




"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

 

[RabidAlien]

********
(true story)
I went to the gym again today, hell-bent on my 6-month goal of actually seeing my toes again. Got up on the elliptical trainer, as usual, punched in my workout routine, and set off. 30 minutes later, I was done (or done for, one of the two). While gathering up my ID, mp3 player, water bottle, drivers license and truck key, the screen on the elliptical flipped back to the standard "Start Here" screen, and I just happened to be staring at the legal disclaimer (because heaven forbid it not be there)...specifically, at the part that said "if you experience pain, nausea, dizzyness, or shortness of breath, cease operation immediately." "Well, crap", I thought..."isn't that the signs of a good workout? I was at that point 27 minutes ago!"

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[javlin]

An old man in the south was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pu**y willow."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

Replied the old man, "Hang on, boys....lemme grab my hat."






********************************************************


An instructor was running a class for pregnant women, attended by some of their men as well.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Larry at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

[javlin]

Thats good RA


heres another a shorty

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded
up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."
"What's dat?" asks Thibodeaux.
"Send da lawn off to be mowed."

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

[ToughOmbre]

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

.....and as someone recently said to me.....

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

TO

 

[RabidAlien]

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

He could. But then he would be back on the mainland, instead of stuck on a tropical island with MaryAnne.

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

Good one TO!
True RA, true!