Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

[RabidAlien]

A gynecologist, fed up with years of bad patients, impending lawsuits, federal regulations and looming Obamacare, decided to toss in the towel and make a career switch. He decided to pursue auto mechanics, an area that he had dabbled in on occasion with his own vehicles, theorizing that his 25 years as a gynecologist had given him a fairly good manual dexterity and memory for what parts go where. So he enrolled in the local tradeschool. He studied diligently and practiced what he had learned at every opportunity, but was still rather nervous when the time for the final exam came. The exam came in two parts, a written portion and a practical. When the results were posted, he noticed that his name was on the top of the class standings, with a 100% in the written and a 150% in the practical. Fearing a typo, he went to speak with his instructor about the grades.

"No, the scores are correct," replied the instructor. "You aced the written test, blowing away all of the other students, most of whom are 20 years younger than yourself. I was especially interested to see how you would fare in the practical exam. It was graded on two portions, each worth 50%. You were to disassemble the motor and put it back together again. You performed both flawlessly, and that engine is running better than the day it rolled out of the assembly plant."

"So...why did you give me a 150% on the exam?"

"Well...in all the years I've been mucking around with engines, you're the first person to take apart and put and engine back together...going entirely through the muffler."

 

[Wayne Little]

Good one!

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter.

The Instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.

Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.

The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked! "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

Another E-mail.

The Green Thing--You WILL Love the Thing


In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and other bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

The Green Thing

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Airframes]

Good one Aaron !

 

[RabidAlien]

Heh.

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[RabidAlien]

How many does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What is a light bulb?

Athiest: There is no bulb.

Westboro: None. God hated your light bulb, and we prefer to be in the dark anyway.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

·Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.
.A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
·He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
·Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
·Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
·He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
·He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
·'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
·'They're mating,' her father replied.
·'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
· A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
·'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
·As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
·'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
·'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that **** here in Texas ."

 

[Airframes]

Splutter! (Cleans coffee off monitor screen).

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Geedee]

Extracts from genuine letters written to local councils in the UK:


1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

[Gnomey]