Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an officer from the local RAF base came in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be £2000, please."
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can rig aircraft flight controls, pass the RAF fitness test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or complaints. it's well worth the money."
The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more expensive! £10000!! What does it do?", he asked.
"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer' monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed."
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. This time the price tag was £50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it do?"
"Actually," said the shopkeeper,"I've never really seen him do anything but drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's a Pilot."
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be £2000, please."
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can rig aircraft flight controls, pass the RAF fitness test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or complaints. it's well worth the money."
The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more expensive! £10000!! What does it do?", he asked.
"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer' monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed."
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. This time the price tag was £50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it do?"
"Actually," said the shopkeeper,"I've never really seen him do anything but drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's a Pilot."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the
two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE FINISHED. I beg
to differ because, there is :
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE FINISHED. I beg
to differ because, there is :
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
some of these are pretty good 
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
I know its coming. Every time I read that "chicken crossing the road" bit, I know its there, waiting. Names have been added, one or two removed from the list. They're all pretty funny. But, lurking there at the end of the list...the Colonel Sanders bit ALWAYS makes me bust out laughing!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it's now £150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it's now £150."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Economic woes:
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounce.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's name.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounce.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's name.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give
in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be
the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that sh|t.
Never mind
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give
in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be
the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that sh|t.
Never mind
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
**************************
(received in an email this morning...its hard to stifle a laugh in the middle of church...)
The Complexities of the English Language
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?
Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants", and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses, and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass people with you."
Now how weird is that?
Last weekend at a Pistol Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife — who would never consider a gun —–adequate
time to retreat to safety. ————-WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping my cat
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts
and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, My cat looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ..
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
This is just about as funny as the Texas Hot BBQ contest…..
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected what little wits I had left,
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking
for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife — who would never consider a gun —–adequate
time to retreat to safety. ————-WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping my cat
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts
and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, My cat looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ..
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.
This is just about as funny as the Texas Hot BBQ contest…..
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected what little wits I had left,
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking
for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
