Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Good one RA, good one!
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
Glider
Captain
I can believe those. My Brother some time ago purchased his first computer, I asked him what type it was and he said 'Windows'.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
I always loved getting customers in who needed an ink cartridge, I'd ask what model printer they had, they'd say "color". Or "HP". Or "I dunno, I bought it from you about three years ago."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
> The Zen of Sarcasm
>
> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
> Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
> Do not walk beside me either.
> Just pretty much leave me alone.
>
> 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
>
> 3. It's always darkest before dawn.
> So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper,
> that's the time to do it.
>
> 4. Don't be irreplaceable.
> If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
>
> 5. Always remember that you're unique.
> Just like everyone else.
>
> 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>
> 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
> try missing a couple of car payments.
>
> 8. Before you criticize someone,
> you should walk a mile in their shoes.
> That way, when you criticize them,
> you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
>
> 9 . If at first you don't succeed,
> skydiving is probably not for you.
>
> 10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
> Teach him how to fish,
> and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>
> 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
> it was probably a wise investment.
>
> 12 . If you tell the truth,
> you don't have to remember anything.
>
> 13. Some days you're the bug;
> some days you're the windshield.
>
> 14. Everyone seems normal
> until you get to know them.
>
> 15. The quickest way to double your money is
> to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
>
> 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>
> 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
> and it holds the universe together.
>
> 18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
> Neither one works.
>
> 19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
> when your lips are moving.
>
> 20. Experience is something you don't get
> until just after you need it.
>
> 21 . Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
>
> AND
>
> 22 . Never, under any circumstances,
> take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
>
> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
> Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
> Do not walk beside me either.
> Just pretty much leave me alone.
>
> 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
>
> 3. It's always darkest before dawn.
> So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper,
> that's the time to do it.
>
> 4. Don't be irreplaceable.
> If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
>
> 5. Always remember that you're unique.
> Just like everyone else.
>
> 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>
> 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
> try missing a couple of car payments.
>
> 8. Before you criticize someone,
> you should walk a mile in their shoes.
> That way, when you criticize them,
> you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
>
> 9 . If at first you don't succeed,
> skydiving is probably not for you.
>
> 10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
> Teach him how to fish,
> and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>
> 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
> it was probably a wise investment.
>
> 12 . If you tell the truth,
> you don't have to remember anything.
>
> 13. Some days you're the bug;
> some days you're the windshield.
>
> 14. Everyone seems normal
> until you get to know them.
>
> 15. The quickest way to double your money is
> to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
>
> 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>
> 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
> and it holds the universe together.
>
> 18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
> Neither one works.
>
> 19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
> when your lips are moving.
>
> 20. Experience is something you don't get
> until just after you need it.
>
> 21 . Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
>
> AND
>
> 22 . Never, under any circumstances,
> take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Good one RA. I needed that.
Last edited:
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
SWEET!
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington
chemistry midterm.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that
exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can
project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and
take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already
frozen over.. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine
being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my
God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington
chemistry midterm.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that
exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can
project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and
take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already
frozen over.. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine
being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my
God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Nice.
LMAO 
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
- Thread starter
- #5,477
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
