Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift....
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?
That's how the fight started.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift....
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?
That's how the fight started.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Good ones Javlin, some of those I had not read before.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
I loved that one!
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
I loved that one!
Crimea_River
Marshal
Excellent collection!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."
CORSNING
Tech Sergeant
Forgive me, please.
I have not read all the posts. I'm 59 going on dead and still working my @ss off. And, there are sooooo many good things on this sight. I just wanted to share my two favorite western sayings. They both came from Quigley Down Under. I'm not sure If I have them exactly correct because it has been a long time since I watched the movie. They came out of the mouth of Tom Sellec as he was being challenged by three gunmen and strapping on a 6-shooter.
1. "Well, this isn't Dodge City and your not Bill Hickock."
After the shoot out he stood over the leader (the fastest of the three) and said about the pistol that he normally did not carry:
2. " I said, I didn't have much use for one (the pistol). I never said I didn't know how to use it."
In the movie he was a long rifle sniper.
I have not read all the posts. I'm 59 going on dead and still working my @ss off. And, there are sooooo many good things on this sight. I just wanted to share my two favorite western sayings. They both came from Quigley Down Under. I'm not sure If I have them exactly correct because it has been a long time since I watched the movie. They came out of the mouth of Tom Sellec as he was being challenged by three gunmen and strapping on a 6-shooter.
1. "Well, this isn't Dodge City and your not Bill Hickock."
After the shoot out he stood over the leader (the fastest of the three) and said about the pistol that he normally did not carry:
2. " I said, I didn't have much use for one (the pistol). I never said I didn't know how to use it."
In the movie he was a long rifle sniper.
Last edited:
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Nice. Gotta love it when your opposition SERIOUSLY underestimates your abilities!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
...and that really was an awesome movie.
Yeah, I enjoyed it too! 
Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard; a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to Give him first communion and confirmation.
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both Legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you
Know that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as A lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard; a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to Give him first communion and confirmation.
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both Legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you
Know that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as A lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Hotntot
Senior Airman
Tommy Cooper went to see his doctor one day. The doctor said, Hey Tommy, how have you been? I haven't seen you for ages.
Tommy replies, yeh, I know, I've been ill.
Some others from his reportoire...
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
And then there were the visual jokes. The man was a genius.
Tommy replies, yeh, I know, I've been ill.
Some others from his reportoire...
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
And then there were the visual jokes. The man was a genius.
