Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Wheels
Glider
Captain
Seen on a real medical record
The patients genitalia were examined and found to be circus sized
The patients genitalia were examined and found to be circus sized
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Hmmmm....would that be "elephant" sized, or "monkey"?
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
COUNSELING SESSION
After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counselling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.
The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but......
on Fridays I fish."
TO
After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counselling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.
The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but......
on Fridays I fish."
TO
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Well worth the price of the therapy sessions, I'd say.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.
"I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."
"I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."
For the Chemists among us (I suspect many won't get it)...
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW
1. Text on webpages display as Morse Code
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection
4. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later
5. Your credit card expires while ordering from Amazon
6. ESPN website exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"
8. Everyone you talk to on the Skype sounds like Forrest Gump
9. You receive emails with stamps on them
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
today'sTHOT============================
Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
1. Text on webpages display as Morse Code
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection
4. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later
5. Your credit card expires while ordering from Amazon
6. ESPN website exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"
8. Everyone you talk to on the Skype sounds like Forrest Gump
9. You receive emails with stamps on them
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
today'sTHOT============================
Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Ah, so that's what's wrong with Jan's 'net connection !
Think that is probably not all that is wrong with it.
Catch22
Major
Probably has a few computer viruses from "reputable" sites he goes to.
Glider
Captain
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Ira qi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this story?"
"Don't f*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Ira qi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this story?"
"Don't f*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Go, Mommy! 
