Quotes and Jokes

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Well, since Valentine's Day is coming up:

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." - Anonymous

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. - James Holt McGavra

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Red Skelton

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" - Dumas

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - Nash

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - Sam Kinison

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it; 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Patrick Murra

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - David Bissonette

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous
 
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying
A vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove
All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
 
Another.......


Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.


'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'



The driver said,


'No problem. Have at it.'



Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
Down the highway.
A short distance away
Sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.


The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.


The trooper pulled out
And easily caught the limo
And he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
And when the glass
Was rolled down,
He was surprised to see
Who was driving.



He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
And called his supervisor.


He told the supervisor,
'I know we are supposed
To enforce the law....
But I also know that
Important people are
Given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
Very important person.'


The supervisor asked,
'Is it the governor?'


The young trooper said,
'No, he's more important
Than that.'

The supervisor said,
'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said,
'No, he's even more
Important than that.'


The supervisor finally asked,


'Well then, who is it?'


The young trooper said,



'I think it's Jesus,
Because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
 
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM*
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
 
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!


'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 
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