Quotes and Jokes

[Wayne Little]

Pavarotti knocks on the Pearly Gates.

St Peter opens them and says "Oh Luciano, it's you, Come on in - squeeze through".

Pavarotti says "I have a letter from the Pope for you".

St Peter opens it up and reads it.

"Here's that tenor I owe you".

 

[RabidAlien]

LOL

 

[Wurger]

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[javlin]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question" noted theCFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.""Oh," replied the auditor,somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well I see" he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?""Here, too, we do not waste,"answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Crimea_River]

 

[RabidAlien]

He had it comin!

 

[Wayne Little]

Sure did!

 

[RabidAlien]

Irony:

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased that it is distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

 

[javlin]

Irony:

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased that it is distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

Oh how true that is!!Do not get me started RA my son tells me horror stories about EBT cards.

 

[RabidAlien]

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems whatsoever helping those who're having a run of bad luck or are physically disabled and therefore having problems making ends meet...but are, nonetheless, actively pursuing a job. Its the leeches that I despise, the folks with 12 kids who're using foodstamps to buy beer and steaks while talking on their top-end iPhone (as are all 12 kids).

 

[Wayne Little]

Souns like same Sh*t different country to me....

 

[BikerBabe]

Guys?
Here's one to print and give to your daughters' possible wanna-be-boyfriends.
Found it on FB.

And another FB-pic that I rather like:

 

[RabidAlien]

Excellent. First is awesome, second is awesome (but will never happen, unfortunately).

 

[javlin]

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems whatsoever helping those who're having a run of bad luck or are physically disabled and therefore having problems making ends meet...but are, nonetheless, actively pursuing a job. Its the leeches that I despise, the folks with 12 kids who're using foodstamps to buy beer and steaks while talking on their top-end iPhone (as are all 12 kids).

I hear ya RA .My son is working at a grocery store and all he wants to do some days is tell some of those people you mentioned to GTH and quit.I saw a young lady 19-20 swipe one EBT-declined whooped out another EBT-accepted COME -on my tax dollars at work all I have to say.

 

[v2]

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs,
Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean
conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I
guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think
about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the
old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian.

 

[RabidAlien]

I came out of the closet recently. Seems like I can't deny the fact that yes, I'm a raging lesbian, too.


...trapped in a man's body.

 

[Gnomey]