Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Army, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Navy, sir."
 
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little Mon-key came out of the brush
and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the Mon-key and said,
"I wish you could talk." The Mon-key looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the Mon-key nodded his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the Mon-key. "What happened?" The Mon-key pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "What else?" The Mon-key pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "What else?" The Mon-key motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?"

......."Driving" motioned the Mon-key.
 
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their sexual encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to accurately guess how frequently they had sex. That was until he came to the last man in line... this guy was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day." guessed the therapist. "No." said the man. "Oh, then how about once a day?". Again, grinning like a cheshire cat said "No." ..."Twice a week?"..."No"..."Twice a month?"..."No"..."Every second month?"..."No"..."Okay, then. How often DO you have sex?" The man replied, "Once a year." The therapist was a bit confused. "Then why in the heck are you smiling?"... The man said," 'Cuz tonight's the night!"
 
Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!

This actually happened to a possum on my back porch. Although I do not like possums, I could not help but feel sorry for this one. Now this was a BIG possum, with many, many sharp teeth, but I could not leave the poor guy that way. I bent apart the two pieces of steel which had trapped his family jewels and he escaped.

That possum has never dared to come that near the house since.
 
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned round, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
 
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