Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Good one folks!!
Quotes and Jokes (6 Viewers)
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A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up.
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.The redneck guessed 2 this time.The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED , and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.My WIFE won twice last week."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.The redneck guessed 2 this time.The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED , and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.My WIFE won twice last week."
michaelmaltby
Colonel
imalko
Chief Master Sergeant
Glider
Captain
Love it
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
A-MEN!!!
A-MEN!!!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
An Oldie but some still make you smile
Q..
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q.What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q..Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
These are funnier if you can "hear" the person in your thoughts. Paul Lynde was funny but his inflections and mannerisms made you laugh all the harder.
Wheels
very True igor...
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what ! happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what ! happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
imalko
Chief Master Sergeant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
This pokes fun at just about every one.
OH HELL ! ... Let's Offend Everybody.......
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on StarTrek?
a. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.....'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
OH HELL ! ... Let's Offend Everybody.......
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on StarTrek?
a. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.....'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
