Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up.
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.The redneck guessed 2 this time.The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED , and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.My WIFE won twice last week."
 

These are funnier if you can "hear" the person in your thoughts. Paul Lynde was funny but his inflections and mannerisms made you laugh all the harder.


Wheels
 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what ! happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
 
This pokes fun at just about every one.


OH HELL ! ... Let's Offend Everybody.......


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on StarTrek?
a. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.....'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
 

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