Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the Yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?" The Yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees,I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went overthe line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow,the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just gotten out of the shower and she was bending downto dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and startedhammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
 
Two Wall St. banker guys on vacation....as usual they go to Alaska to snort coke .......and shoot bears.
The light plane pilot hired to fly and collect them warns: " Guy's, its a small plane. We can only bring back one bear."
They accept.

Both bears are dead and the bankers are demanding that the corpses are flown home to be stuffed and mounted.

The pilot is bribed to agree.

The plane crashes.....the pilot is killed.

The two bankers are thrown clear.....land in a snowbank, look at each other, one asks the other other...where are we?.

Second banker: " Same place we crashed last year"
 
Security officials at Harwich Container Port have just uncovered a new terrorist plot. A shipping container holding thousands of cans of 'Alphabetti Spaghetti', bound for the USA, was opened, and the cans examined. Each can held an explosive charge. A Royal Engineers EOD officer stated "If the charges had been detonated, it could have spelled disaster ".

(Yes, I know .... I've got me coat already!).
 

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