Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules

Old fella walking through the mall in his home town is shocked to see a punk rocker with a yellow , red , blue , green , mauve and black mohican coming towards him .
The punk meets his stare and shouts :
" What's up with you , you old fart ? Never done anything wild in your sad life ? "
The old chat looks at him and replies :
" Well I once f*cked a Peacock when I was in the army ."
" And , so what ! " Shouts the punk .
And the old fella says :
" I was wondering if you were my son ."
 
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."
 
New Towns in Iraqi
Now that Uncle Sam has come to Iraq and reorganized the landscape (courtesy of B-1's, B-2's, B-52's, TLAMs, F-14's, F-15's, F-16's, F/A-18's, Tornados, Harriers, F-117's, and field artillery), the idigenous population has renamed some of their towns. These new names include:
*Wherz-Myroof
*Mykamel-Izded
*OKraph-Dissizbad
*Waddi-El-Izgowinon
*Pleez-Ztopdibomin
*Kizz-Yerbuht-Goodbi
*Ikantstan-Disnomore
*Wha-tin HelWazi Tinkin
*Myturbin-Izburnin

Army Fashion
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English officer. He was taken to their headquarters, where the French general began to question him.
"Tell me," the General asked, "why do you English wear red coats? Don't you know the red color makes you easy targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way the captured officer informed the general that English officers wore red coats so that if they were shot, the blood wouldn't show and the men they were leading wouldn't panic.
Which is why, even today, French Army officers wear brown pants.
 
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...









Sum Ting Wong
 
New Corvette

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
 
Excellent V2.

Early in the morning a proffesional soldier is going out home to be at work.His wife who usually makes his breakfast and the second one is kissing him before he will leave. He looks at her and says:

Darling, clean our home up,wash my clothes,iron my shirts, cook a very good dinner,buy a newspaper and do shopping today.

The lady looks at him smiling and says "Tell me the magic word my dear".

The man is getting an attention position and says "Go"
 
A good old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone Southern Baptist tent revival was going on late one hot summer evening. The preacher was really into his sermon, whipping the congregation into a frenzy, when all of a sudden the pulpit explodes! Startled revival-goers stare as the smoke clears...revealing Satan, standing with arms crossed, laughing as a swarm of demons pours from the crater. Pandemonium ensues, naturally, as everyone scrambles for the nearest exit, window, airconditioning vent, or little silver hip-flask. Satan, of course, is loving it all, until he notices a little old man sitting about a half-dozen pews back, hands calmly folded over the top of his cane, seemingly oblivious to the mahem around him. This should be fun, Satan thinks, and stomps his fiery way down the aisle, scattering decons and demons alike in his path.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" he screams at the man.

"Yep," comes the response.

"AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO YOU?" Satan continues.

"Yep."

"AND DO YOU FEAR ME NOW?"

"Nope."

This completely throws Satan for a loop. Nearby demons cease their torments, torn between wanting to hear the reply, and fearful of the wrath it most certainly will cause. "Why not?" Satan asks, perplexed.

"Been married to yer sister for 45 years now."
 
A teacher walks in to her classroom of 6 year olds after the summer break .

" Good morning children . Today we will tell the class what we did on our holidays . "

Little Sarah puts her hand up and says :
" Well miss we went to see my Nana . "

Teacher says :
" No Sarah you went to see your Grandmother . You're 6 now so please used adult words ."

So Sarah says :
" Sorry miss . We went to see my Grandmother . "

Little Billy puts shis hand up and says :
" Well Miss , I went on a Choo Choo to the mountains . "

Teacher again says :
" Please use adult words Billy , you went on a train . "

Billy says :
" Sorry Miss , I went on a train to the mountains . "

Tom sitting at the back of the classroom put his hand up and said :
" Well Miss , my Dad bought a new vroom vroom for my Mum . "

Again teacher says :
" Class we must use adult words we're babies any more . He bought a car for your Mum . "

Tom says :
" Yes Miss , Dad bought Mum a new car . "

So it goes on till the whole class has told what they did during the holiday apart from Chloe .

Chloe says :
" My Mum got me a new book Miss . "

Teacher asks :
" That's nice , what was the book ? "

Chloe thimks for a second and says :
" Winnie the **** , By A.A. Milne ! "
 

Users who are viewing this thread