Quotes and Jokes (6 Viewers)

[DOUGRD]

Speaking of little Johnny.... Off to school he goes. His teacher, Miss Rumblebutte asks the class to come up with a sentence using the word "fascinate". Little Mary raises her hand first. Miss Rumblebutte says "go ahead Mary" Mary stands and says "We went to Disney World and it was fascinating." That was a good sentence using the word fascinating but the word I wanted used was "Fascinate". Billy jumps up next and says" My dad told me a story about planes and I was fascinated." "Very good use of the word fascinated Billy but I said "Fascinate" said Miss Rumblebutte. Little Johnny is almost bouncing out of his seat, waving his hand. Fearing the worst Miss Rumblebutte reluctantly calls on him. Little Johnny stands and says " My aunt Rosy has a red sweater with twelve buttons but because her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

[Konigstiger205]

Funny stuff

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[syscom3]

This is good.

 

[Wurger]

 

[Wayne Little]

Good one!..

 

[DOUGRD]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7 I'm out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message.

8 I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a dam*

12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

13 Thank you. We're challenged by your unique point of view.

14 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

15 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

16 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

18 Do I look like a people person?

19 This isn't an office, it's HELL with fluorescent lighting.

20 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

21 If I throw a stick will you leave?

22 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

24 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

25 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

27 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

28 Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is done.

29 Who lit the fuse on your Tampon?

30 Oh I get it...like humor, but different.

 

[DOUGRD]

Q: How do you get Holy Water?
A: You boil the Hell out of it.

Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
A: DAM!

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quick sand?
A: Quatro Sinko

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frost bite.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: It scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
A: A bad golfer goes whack, DAM*!
A bad sky diver goes DAM*, whack!

Q: What do you call sky diving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, BANG, BANG, clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Q: What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Konigstiger205]

 

[Njaco]

 

[hurricanemk2]

Sorry if this one's on here but it made me chuckle :

Little Billy and little Sarah are walking home from school when Billy needs to take a p*ss . So off he goes behind a tree and gets down to what needs doing .
Suddenly little Sarah comes round , looks at his tool and says :
" My dad's got 2 of those . "
Little Billy looks at her and says
" He cant have I've only got one . "
Sarah says
" Listen here Billy I'm telling you my dad's got 2 of those . "
Billy looks at her and says
" He can't have 2 , i've only got one and my dad's only got one . How the hell can your dad have 2 ! "
Little Sarah says
" Easy , a little one for p*ssing with and a big one for cleaning Mummy's teeth ! "

OK lame I know but thats cutting edge humour in Wales .

 

[Lucky13]

LMAO!

 

[Wurger]

 

[A4K]

...and love those 'camel toads',Syscom...!

 

[v2]

Married Life
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild love all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

 

[hurricanemk2]

A man driving through London gets caught up in a traffic jam . As he waits for the traffic to move on a man comes up and knocks on his window . So he winds it down and says :
" Whats up ? bad rta is it ? "
The other fella says :
" No , it's just come over the radio that terrorists have kidnapped George W Bush and Tony Blair , and if they don't get $ 100 million as a ransom they're going to douse them with gas and set fire to them . So we're having a collection! "
The driver says :
" Thats terrible , how much are people giving ? "
And the man says :
" Oh about a gallon ! "

 

[A4K]

Great ones guys!


"What is bigamy? - It is having one wife too many.
What is monogamy? - The same"

- Oscar Wilde

 

[Wayne Little]

Excellent...

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the bl**dy Pope as a chauffeur!'

 

[A4K]

So that one made it down under..! I'd only heard it in Hungarian before now!