Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked
with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water
allocation.'
The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me.
See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on
any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?' The old rancher nodded politely and went about his
chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep
running for the fence.....and close behind was the rancher's bull.
The bull was gaining on the
Water Rep with every step.The Rep was clearly terrified...... so the
old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and
shouted out.....

'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
 
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates,
He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those
Clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
Never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
Twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'

'Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?' asked the man.

'Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
 
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'.

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
 
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
 
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts
around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going.'

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old guy says, 'Doesn't matter - let's look for yours.'
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 2 (members: 1, guests: 1)

Similar threads

Marcel
Belgians and their statues…
Replies
9
Views
706
Thumpalumpacus
Thumpalumpacus
A
Cars named after (or same as) WW2 and 1950s aircraft?
7 8 9
Replies
166
Views
8K
GrauGeist
GrauGeist
Tomcat
Im writing a book about Russian cold war aircraft specifically the SU-27 and Mig-29.
Replies
7
Views
477
Tomcat
Tomcat
nuuumannn
Bangkok and Beyond! A quick trip to the Thai capital
2 3 4
Replies
76
Views
2K
Wurger
Wurger
Lucky13
Football, Mince Pie and Bovril....
Replies
6
Views
628
Lucky13
Lucky13
Back