Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Eeeerrmmmm....NO!
Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter v2
- Start date
Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules
Eeeerrmmmm....NO!
hurricanemk2
Airman 1st Class
Mother ! I've missed you ! 
- Thread starter
- #883
Jeez...a mini bad*ss
and Let's change Hillary...good one V2!
and Let's change Hillary...good one V2!
- Thread starter
- #885
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night. Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more
tonight, Paddy.'
Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'What the....' he
says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
'Dang!' he says.
He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door
and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the pavement and falls flat on his face.
'B'Jesus... I'm soused,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it.
He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the
door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No
flappin' way.'
But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I
think
I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face again. He says, 'This is awful. I gotta stop
drinking,' but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.
The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?'
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally smashed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
the night. Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more
tonight, Paddy.'
Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'What the....' he
says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
'Dang!' he says.
He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door
and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the pavement and falls flat on his face.
'B'Jesus... I'm soused,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it.
He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the
door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No
flappin' way.'
But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I
think
I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face again. He says, 'This is awful. I gotta stop
drinking,' but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.
The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?'
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally smashed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
*LOL*
Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument
Most of Australia 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
Your Friend
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Most of Australia 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
Your Friend
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
Velius
Airman 1st Class
Ahhhhh, classic!
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
What a well trained boy you have there
Matt308
Glock Perfection
What is a post turtle?
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic
got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him
what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're
driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle
balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there
by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't
know what to do while he is up there, and you just
wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.'
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic
got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him
what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're
driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle
balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there
by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't
know what to do while he is up there, and you just
wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.'
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Great one matt
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Thats a great one Matt!!
In the Beginning
God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class
action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He
was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the
cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing,
God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He
replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would
come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to
make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire;
that he would obtain a building permit; and, to conserve energy, would
have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the
light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were
not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval
from the Department of Game, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in
Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be 10 to 12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
In the Beginning
God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class
action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He
was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the
cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing,
God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He
replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would
come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to
make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire;
that he would obtain a building permit; and, to conserve energy, would
have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the
light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were
not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval
from the Department of Game, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in
Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be 10 to 12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Ha!!! Great one, NJaco! Reminds me of another one, too...
One day, Scientists decided that Man had advanced sufficiently enough that mankind no longer needed God. So they formed a committee to go tell Him of their decision.
"We don't need You anymore, God," they said. "We can now do anything through Science that You have done. And, we shall continue advancing our Science beyond Your miracles...therefore, You are obsolete."
"Obsolete, eh," God replied. "You can do anything I can do?"
"Anything."
"Well, then...as I happen to disagree with you on this point, I propose a little contest. A demonstration, if you will. You will create Life, using nothing but your own Science, and I will create Life, using nothing but My Own miracles. Whoever does it first, and best, shall win."
Science agreed, and settled down with their beakers and tubes and chemistry sets to create Life. Scooping up a bucket of soil rich in minerals and nutrients, they prepared to begin when God looked down and said "No, no....use your OWN dirt."
One day, Scientists decided that Man had advanced sufficiently enough that mankind no longer needed God. So they formed a committee to go tell Him of their decision.
"We don't need You anymore, God," they said. "We can now do anything through Science that You have done. And, we shall continue advancing our Science beyond Your miracles...therefore, You are obsolete."
"Obsolete, eh," God replied. "You can do anything I can do?"
"Anything."
"Well, then...as I happen to disagree with you on this point, I propose a little contest. A demonstration, if you will. You will create Life, using nothing but your own Science, and I will create Life, using nothing but My Own miracles. Whoever does it first, and best, shall win."
Science agreed, and settled down with their beakers and tubes and chemistry sets to create Life. Scooping up a bucket of soil rich in minerals and nutrients, they prepared to begin when God looked down and said "No, no....use your OWN dirt."
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
In a small cafe out in New Mexico, an old cowboy sat at the counter with a cup of coffee and a bowl of chili. He just sat there sipping his coffee and staring at the bowl of chili. A young cowhand enters and sits at the counter next to the old cowboy. He notices that the old gent isn't eating the chili and asks if he could have it. The old cowboy says "Help yourself." The younger man slids the bowl over and starts devouring the chili. Just as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he spies a dead mouse in the bowl. He stares at it for a moment and pukes up everything he just ate which surprisingly lands back in the bowl. The old cowboy looks over and says "That's about how far I got too."
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
An old motorcycle mechanic goes to the hospital for a checkup. After the checkup is over the doctor presents the old mechanic with the bill. "$400.00 for a checkup!" howls the old mechanic. "I don't know how you doctors get away with charging so much for doing next to nothing. Why I can take a motorcycle engine apart, take the fuel pump out, replace the needle valve and put it all back together in nothing flat and I don't charge nearly as much." The doctor looks him in the eye and replies "Try doing it while it's still running."
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Good ones Doug!!
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Good stuff guys
