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- #921
Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)
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he's all yours granny!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
BEST OUT OF OFFICE AUTOMATIC E-MAIL REPLIES
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Steve.
today'sTHOT============================
Common sense isn't.
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Steve.
today'sTHOT============================
Common sense isn't.
Wonder whether I should use one of them tomorrow....
Thanks Rabid!
Thanks Rabid!- Thread starter
- #925
Messy1
Master Sergeant
Anyone know what the difference is between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum?
The position of the dirt bag!
The position of the dirt bag!
- Thread starter
- #927
Four old retired guys were walking down a street in Wickenburg , Arizona
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...
Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying 'That's 40 cents, please'
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own my own bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven men at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired airline pilots . They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price.'
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...
Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying 'That's 40 cents, please'
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own my own bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven men at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired airline pilots . They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price.'
Matt308
Glock Perfection
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'. 'Why it change?
Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'. 'Why it change?
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
*LOL*
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Great ones guys!
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
- Thread starter
- #935
A stranger was seated next to a little boy on the airplane when the
stranger turned to him and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little boy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.
'OK, ' he said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little boy's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little boy replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know this crap?
stranger turned to him and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little boy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.
'OK, ' he said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little boy's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little boy replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know this crap?
Wildcat
Major
Matt308
Glock Perfection
An oldie but goodie.
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
*LOL*
