Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)

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So a young police officer has decided to hang out near a bar at closing time. The bar is famous for overserving guests. A little before closing time he spies a gentleman weaving his way towards the parking lot. He stumble a bit and fumbles with his keys dropping them several times.

The police man realizes he has a live one and watches intently. In the meantime the rest of the bar is emptying and people are leaving. The gentleman finally gets his keys to work and carefully climbs in. The policeman notices the wipers come on but not the lights and of course not a drop of rain in the sky.

Eventually the hapless driver gets the lights on and carefully navigates his car haltingly to the roadway. The rest of the patrons are no gone.

As the suspected drunk begins to slowly motor away the police man pulls behind and puts the lights on and pulls the driver over. Confidently he strides up and looks at the driver and states: "So had a bit to drink tonight have we sir?" The driver says no officer not a drop, I am the DD tonight.

The policeman looks puzzled and says "Designated Driver?" and the gentleman replies, "No, the Designated Decoy".
 
So a less controversial story. In the service I was a Security Specialist. I primarily secured nuclear silos with the 90th MSS based in Cheyenne Wyoming. But we were also trained in flight line security especially of the ready bomber fleet with SAC and the ready response fighter groups.

One of the stories that often made the rounds was of a particularly enthusiastic young officer in training. Pilots in general, and fighter pilots in particular are often a very superstitious lot. Apparently this young pilot with instructor in tow showed up and asked for his aircraft "keys" to begin a flight. He was given a particular aircraft which was not his usual one. This upset the young officer and he berated the NCO in charge of assignments. The NCO explained that this was the only currently available aircraft as the one he was used to was down for maintenance.

The officer replied "I can see my plane, its right there on the ramp, its not in the hanger, I want that one." After going back and forth for awhile the training officer said to let him have his plane and with a wink walked out with the young fellow to do the preflight.

Apparently the young fellow walked all the way round, did all his checks, then climbed into the cockpit to begin his checks there. Looking puzzled he shouted down that nothing was working. The training officer was standing near the nose of the aircraft and asked him to come take a peek at the engine.

The young officer clambered back down and took a look into the intake scoop and said he saw no problems. The training officer commented with a drawl "Ya think an engine might help?" The young fellow looked again and went as red as possible. Turned out the engine had been pulled for work.

The status board clearly showed the issue but the young fellow was too fixated on getting "his" plane to catch it.
 
A friend and former co-worker was a KC-135 Tanker pilot, this would have been in the mid 70's if I remember correctly. He was the command pilot and they were taking a fellow pilot, a fighter pilot, up as an observer one time.

The tanker, fully loaded, trundled to the end of the taxiway and turned onto the active runway. Once they had received clearance they advanced throttles pretty much to the max and began to slowly gather speed. The fighter pilot became more and more nervous as he watched markers go by.

Finally he apparently could not contain himself and strongly suggested they abort the takeoff before they ran out of runway as he did not think the tanker was ever going to lift off. The co-pilot laconically observed that they were way past abort distance unless he considered a fireball a valid abort option.

At very near the end of the runway my pilot friend remarked to the co-pilot, "ready... rotate." calmly. They eased back and she began to nose up and climb... very slowly. By this time the fighter pilot was almost catatonic and mumbling prayers to the aviation gods.

After the mission ended and the tanker returned to base, the fighter pilot allowed as how tanker pilots were absolutely totally insane and such aircraft simply were not meant to fly!
 
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