Catch22
Major
Excellent idea haha!
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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Lucky13
Forum Mascot
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Poor easter bunny......kinda reminds me of the spammers that try to get on here
Aussie1001
Staff Sergeant
good one although only lucky would put a pic of a bunny getten violated by a foot on here. 
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
For ALL the easter eggs that I never got....!!
Cota1992
Senior Airman
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.
'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.
'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round
this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.
'I'm
a plasterer.
'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus.
He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.
'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.
'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck.
'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . . . . .
'What the f*@k would they want with a plasterer??!'
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.
'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.
'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round
this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.
'I'm
a plasterer.
'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus.
He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.
'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.
'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck.
'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . . . . .
'What the f*@k would they want with a plasterer??!'
Cota1992
Senior Airman
The Country Funeral
As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.
Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"
As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.
Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
BOTH are great!!!
Cota1992
Senior Airman
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
So wrong...yet so funny!!!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and asked, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and asked, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
Catch22
Major
Hahahahaaha! That one was great!
Totally unexpected ending... love it!!
love it!!
