Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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Read these the second one is not really funny but i didn't know where else to put it...
(July 2002) This story was told at a symposium dinner, by two Austrian pathologists who work together in Germany. A deceased male was brought to them for a post mortem. He had suffered severe head trauma. According to police reports, the man wanted to see how a German World War II hand grenade was constructed. His curiosity led him to clamp the grenade in a vise, and cut a thin band around the center with a circular saw, so that he would be able to crack open the two halves. Unfortunately, the man cut a little too deep, and detonated the grenade. The pathologists stated that the man had very little brain material when he was brought to them; however, they were not sure if that was a result of the explosion!



(
 
shat. meant to post another hold on got it.
1 January 2002, Brazil) The game of Russian Roulette, long a breeding ground for natural selection, was improved upon by two men with a unique approach to self-destruction.
On New Year's Eve, Antonio and his friend were befogged by Pinga, a traditional Brazilian liquor, when they began playing a Russian Roulette variant using holiday fireworks. Their version of the game consisted of placing fireworks in their mouths, then lighting the fuses and competing to see who would delay longest before spitting out the firework.
The man, dare we call him "winner," who discarded the explosive closest to the point of detonation was the victor of this battle of wills.
Their blatant disregard for personal safety was matched only by their foolish bravery. Antonio was our winner, holding one of the fireworks in his mouth a bit too long, and thereby thereby earning praise for his "courage" at his funeral.
 
this one is epic !!!
Doctors warn of a dangerous new method of cocaine abuse: injecting the drug directly into the urinary tract. Physicians from New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center reported the case of a 34-year-old man who suffered severe bleeding under the skin after pumping cocaine into his urethra. It led to complications that destroyed his penis, nine fingers, and parts of his legs. "They fill an eye dropper or a syringe with a cocaine solution and inject it into the penis," said Dr. Samuel Perry, a professor of clinical psychiatry.
The man had injected cocaine before intercourse in an effort to enhance sexual performance. He was admitted to the hospital because his penis had remained erect for three days, resulting in a painful inability to urinate. The medical term for a prolonged erection is "priapism." On his third day in the hospital, the man's erection suddenly subsided. Over the next 12 hours, blood leaked into the tissues of his feet, hands, genitals, back and chest. Blood coagulation caused tissues to die over large areas of the patient's body, and he was transferred to the burn unit of New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center.

Doctors there were forced to amputate the man's legs above the knee and all but one of his fingers to stop the spread of gangrene. The patient's penis fell off by itself. The man is currently recovering in a rehabilitation facility.

Men who inject cocaine into the penis report that it gives them a sexual high. Drug abuse treatment experts have previously reported external use of cocaine as a sexual stimulant. Cocaine powder is rubbed onto the surface of the genital organs by both men and women in an effort to halt premature ejacuation or improve sexual sensations.

"We report this case to alert clinicians to this new method of cocaine abuse and to describe its rare and previously unreported complications," the doctors concluded.
 
probably here is one more this one's a good un

1997, Canada) A woman in Canada called the police with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it "looked like baking powder." The police dispatched a narcotics agent to her house, who tested the rock and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.
 
it's a good thing that some of these guys are removed from the gene pool.
did you hear the one where robbers tried to cut their way into a fireworks storehouse with an oxy torch ?
true story
 
Murphy's Law.

Mr.Murphys laws were obviously compiled by an expert in such fields. The origin of Mr. Murphy remains somewhat of a mystery however, and it is also possible that he may have been related to a person with the name of Sod. Possibly a brother but in either case connections with Ireland cannot be ruled out.

This intelligent race of people have produced many experts in many fields over the years and amongst them appears to be Mr. Murphy.

What became of Mr. Murphy appears also to remain a mystery. The consensus of opinion seems to be that he possibly fell victim to one or more of his own laws, some examples of which follow......

Murphy's Law states that.
If something can go wrong it will,.... usually at the most inopportune moment.

Murphy's Law states that.
A dropped tool or component will always fall in the place where it can do the most damage.

Murphy's Law states that.
The failure rate of a component, part, or sub assembly, is inversely proportional to its ease of repair or replacement.

Murphy's Law states that.
The failure rate of a component, part, or sub assembly, is inversely proportional to its cost and availability.

Murphy's Law states that.
When something has been stripped down for repair, and then re-assembled, extra components will always be found afterwards.

Murphy's Law states that.
If you arrive at a bus or train departure point, the one you want will always just have gone.

Murphy's Law states that.
Motor vehicle windscreen wipers only break down when it is raining.

Murphy's Law states that.
If you have a hole in your shoe and it is raining, the one with the hole in it will always find a puddle first.

Murphy's Law states that.
A piece of bread or toast, when in free fall, will always land buttered side downwards.

Murphy's Law states that.
When you put something important away in a safe place, when the time comes to retrieve it, that will be the last place you will look for it, if indeed you ever find it again.

Murphy's Law states that.
It will either rain or go dark before morning, and sometimes both will occur.

Murphy's Law states that.
After moving house, the thing that you want most will be the last thing that you un-pack and usually at the very bottom of a large pile of other stuff.

Murphy's Law states that.
When you wish to attract attention it is virtually impossible to do so. The inverse also applies, that is when you do not wish to attract attention it is virtually impossible to get rid of it.

Murphy's Law states that.
To err is human, but to really foul-up you need a computer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can't remember the name of the law that says, if you throw something away, the next thing you know, is that you need it...:lol:
 
Posh Names

Visual improvement consultant. ________ Window Cleaner.

Garbologist. ________ Dustman.

Transport control executive. _________ Car park attendant.

Electronic communications operative. _________ Telephonist.

News and media distributor. _________ Paperboy.

Container contents control operative. _________ Barmaid.

-------------------------------------------------------------

New administration element discovered.
Investigators at a major research institution have recently discovered the heaviest element known to science.
This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having the atomic weight of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganisation, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".
You will know it when you see it.
 
*LOL* The bit about "needing it after you throw it away" is

Definition of "Junk": An item you keep for many years (usually six or more), and throw away two weeks before needing it.




Oversee the Transfer of Volatile Liquids from Underground Storage Facility to Mobile Transport Units -- Pump Gas.
 
trackend said:
A few bits of trivia

Well, I never knew that !!!!

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb '.

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green .

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander , the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If
the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare 's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
inspired by this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it..........

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy , it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

~~~~~~~~~~~ AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~</F! ONT

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!!!!!!
Click to expand...

ahhhhhhhhhhh my head hurts
 
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